Whatever happened on the 14th of February
by LilyBartAndTheOthers
Summary: Analyze and sequel to A Chorus Lie, season four. A special thanks to Miss H.
1. Prologue

_Prologue._

Valentine's Day has its adepts; people who buy flowers and heart-shaped boxes of chocolates. Some men kneel down on the floor and propose their girlfriends while others think about babies and how tasteless, if not useless, life would be if love didn't exist. But what about the rest of the crowd? What about those lonely souls who can't but face the harsh reality of having nothing to celebrate? As much as being distinctive, unique, is tempting, sometimes there's nothing better than to get lost into the common sense we gave to our society. There's nothing worst than to have the feeling we've been left aside for a couple of differences; nothing worst than to be loved by nobody.

And it's probably why so many unexpected things do happen on the 14th of February.

To be completely honest, she would have never thought that her marriage would turn that way. She would have never imagined that Stanley would get arrested and a whole humiliating process would set off all of a sudden under the sharp gazes of The Upper East Side microcosm she belonged to. The only thing Karen Walker knew about was that life could be unexpected and it wasn't always fun to deal with those changes. Her anger began to fade away as a wave of shame substituted her first feelings but like every time she found herself in such a complex situation, her pride took possession of her body, drowning any kind of painful sensation that would make her feel weak. And so she pretended all the way; fooling nobody but herself, disguising her failure into a sad and pale imitation of some success story.

Jack and Grace's attempts to closeness only stumbled unsteadily before falling down in front of the stubbornness of her silence and the way Karen refused any kind of help. A denial was easier, and comforting. But the more she turned down her friends, the more she clenched her fists, hating herself for not accepting their arms and the warmness of some advices.

The slightest evocation of his name was a spring of confusion and exhausting wonders. The nature of their relation seemed to defy comprehension; a sort of vital attraction which strength always ended up into some explosion of words and dramatic exits. Nonetheless Will's presence was needed or Karen would lose her last references. She would have never said it out loud, never recognized his importance. That wasn't required as a matter of fact because she knew he was aware of it. It was all implicit and would always be. Under obvious reasons Will had been next to her since the very beginning but their forced closeness only confirmed something she had almost understood immediately as soon as she had seen him: there was something about him that would push her to always rely on his remarks and analyzes. Karen simply loved their mysterious friendship; she just felt a bit guilty to enjoy it that much while her husband had been arrested.

The weeks passed by and she concentrated on some old routine that would keep her away from Stanley's delicate situation. _How weird we never pay attention to some details and the importance of their symbol until they affect our lives and remind us of a harsh reality. _She had raised her eyebrows, laughing bitterly at her own remark while she was still holding the list of guests for the annual Valentine's Day party. Traditions were part of the scheme and so she couldn't draw a line under Shelter Island, no matter her husband wouldn't be able to make it. Perhaps she usually had a thing for irony though hosting a whole weekend dedicated to love while being alone didn't match with the scene and that's why Karen began to ask for some company. The artificiality of her relationships only emphasized the sadness of such a truth and even if she didn't result surprised, she couldn't help but feel hurt, somehow, when everyone turned down her softly desperate request. She had lived long enough now to learn about some things so why did she always come back to the wrong side, knowing perfectly that the end would be harsh?

"Am I mean to be alone, Rosie?"

She had stared at her own eyes in the mirror, trying to scan this soul that was hidden behind, her comb passing absent-mindedly through her hair in a rainy evening; one of those when the sky is so dark that even a bright light don't manage to make you feel alive. Her question, as deep as it had been, came to crash against the walls, exploding into a thousand of small pieces, like a glass we let fall down on the floor and there's nothing left, then; just the violent sound of our mistake and the unbearable feeling that we're useless. Her maid never answered for the simple reason she had closed the door and left for a very long while yet. The shadow of her black lacy nightgown had got reflected on the floor and the expensive carpets as Karen had made her way until her bed, her mind focused on her last chance to save her dignity, if only she still had one; and one more time it was all about Will.

He accepted; she simply smiled. Above the evident relief that her friend's answer finally brought to her heart, she felt how a wave of warmness was running through her veins, there, underneath her pale skin, spreading the happiness of certitude and trust. Perhaps her friends from The Upper West Side weren't as eloquent as billionaires though their sincerity, like the simplicity of their acts, owned a singular beauty that she loved more than anything. And it was all she really needed, as a matter of fact.

Will pressed her hand and for a couple of seconds both friends allowed themselves to the touch of honesty. Karen broke apart, then, and made fun of him. She never felt comfortable when the attention of a gaze slowly slid along seriousness; it was scaring. They didn't speak anymore about it, slightly tell Grace and Jack about it and when the weekend finally arrived, they just stepped into Karen's limousine and headed to the harbor where the boat for Shelter Island was waiting.


	2. Of hope and faith

She always knew that it was all about her pride, her bloody pride. As soon as Beverly Leslie showed up at the bar, an old feeling stirred up an insipid pain somewhere in her heart, some touch almost invisible. She didn't need it more and played all along, lying to everyone; abusing Will too somehow. Of course she didn't feel fine at all towards her friend who had turned out to be the only who really cared about her, the only one who had not turned her down but she just put this detail aside and pretended to be okay. After all she had been doing that for quite a while now.

They arrived on a Saturday morning under a limpid blue sky, just in time for lunch and the beginning of the festivities. The weather was warm for the season, ideal for long and romantic walks through the park of the island, along the cliffs if you didn't care too much about the sea breeze and its inevitable consequences on your blow-dry as Karen said to Will when he asked her whether she wanted to go out there with him. To be completely honest, she refused his invitation not to bother him. She would have loved enjoying the warmness of the sun after the gray months of the winter but she knew he had suggested it by pure politeness. She looked down and smiled bitterly when he turned around and left. He almost looked relieved. The martini slid along her throat and she closed her eyes, persuading herself that it was better like that. But all she managed to get was Will's smile and a light sensation of tenderness over her soul. She cleared her voice and stood up, chatting absent-mindedly with some guests, pouting and refusing their invitations to some poker. No, she just should have a bath.

Her finger followed the curves of her wet legs, drops falling down one by one in the hot water; getting lost in the expensive soap that smelled of magnolia. She went up from her ankles to her knees, vaguely aware of the soft touch, as subtle as a stolen kiss. She finally made her way until her hips before her hand vanishing into the white foam of the bath and Karen sighed, heavily, realizing how time had passed by since the last time someone had touched her skin. She wasn't missing Stanley but the mere contact of human relationships and she didn't like it. She leaned her head backwards and, in a fluid movement, plunged entirely in the water, escaping for a couple of seconds from the outside world. She listened to her heart which beats brought a peaceful melody to her ears, like a sweet lullaby. She jumped and hit herself against the marble of the bathtub, surprised by the knock on the door, adrenalin speeding up her cardiac rhythm within a second.

"Are you decent, woman?"

A vague look at her surroundings and she made a face, unsure of the exact answer she could give to Will.

"Let's just say you won't have a heart attack. You can come in, honey."

Will opened the door and leaned on the frame; apparently taken aback by the image of his friend in a bath. She smirked.

"Yes, I do have a wash sometimes."

The impressive amount of soap covering her body allowed Will to relax and he squatted down next to Karen, staring all along how a strand of her hair was hanging loosely against her cheek. His eyes stopped a few seconds on her lobe and he realized for the first time that her ears weren't pierced. _Details are the reason why life can be so bright. _He smiled at this personal wonder then shrugged.

"Karen, I got bored. I have been working for five hours or so. I need a break. Entertain me."

The dark-haired woman raised her eyebrows, amused by the remark. She opened her mouth to speak though she suddenly realized that she didn't know what to say. She frowned, astonished by this unexpected blank. Her brain was in turmoil, trying to scan every single option but everything remained fuzzy, for not completely inexistent.

"I don't know, Will… The dance is at eight o'clock tonight so you still have like four hours before getting blinded by the spotlights. I don't know… Take a bath!"

Karen was overwhelmed by her incapacity to find the slightest suggestion, her lies and guilt weighing a lot as soon as she came to face Will. She simply turned her frustration into some unbearable impatience and nastiness. She was being hateful towards everyone while the only person she could blame was herself. She sighed and closed her eyes, her voice lowering to get lost into a vague whisper.

"I'm sorry, honey. I'm supposed to call Stanley and…"

Karen got interrupted by the ring of a cell phone; Will's one obviously. Her friend stood up and, excusing himself, answered the call while leaving the bathroom. Still in the water that had got considerably colder, the dark-haired woman made a face and swallowed back the taste of bitterness invading her mouth. _Yes, I must be meant to be alone, alone and guilty. _The heavy atmosphere led her to step out the bathtub. Wrapped in a towel, she looked by the window furtively before reaching her bed where a dress had previously been laid on it. The sky was getting darker; not because of the night but a multitude of big gray clouds as if the weather just emphasized the awfulness of her heart. Something gloomy was going on, probably her own choices. She closed the door and headed to the bar. And even though she wasn't expecting him to be there, she couldn't help but feel sad when she noticed that Will wasn't sat in some leather armchair, a glass of scotch in hand.

She ordered vodka, on the rocks, and nodded to nobody in particular. If her friend didn't show up within fifteen minutes, she would go for him; not really to apologize but to have an excuse to spend some time in his company. She needed warmness, he always gave her some in a subtle way that she really liked.


	3. A dance for tonight

She went too far and he stormed out. Within a second Karen understood the complexity of life and the preciousness of relationships; the meaning of a loss. Her last hopes vanished as Will went away, angry and hurt. She stared blankly at the wall of the hall way before looking down quickly to prevent the tears from falling down on her cheeks. Then, unsteady steps led her to her suite, the door getting closed quietly, almost with shame and Karen sat down on the floor in the middle of the room; no matter that it wasn't appropriate. With a dry sensation of guilt in her mouth, she realized that her hands were shaking and for the very first time she just felt like disappearing, being forgotten. She was so sad; even more when she perfectly knew that her friend's act was justified.

"Why do I do everything so wrong, Stanley?"

She made a face, swallowing back her pain in the despair of her voice and all of a sudden she broke into tears, releasing the tension she had accumulated for so long. She never stopped thinking about Will and the remorse she could get then, when she had a look at her wedding ring. It reminded her of jail and the abrupt absence of feelings she tried nonetheless to ignore as soon as her husband was mentioned. Stanley was just another piece in a whole series of whims; a sort of crush, a superficial fling. The clock stuck seven when Karen realized that she had never really loved anyone in her life; her heart getting heavier and heavier while the old oak machine resounded in the loud silence of her suite, as if every single second suddenly gave sense to her lack of human feelings. She finally stood up with the awful sensation she was a monster, a hideous beast hidden behind diamonds and expensive clothes. She grabbed a dress reluctantly and headed to the bathroom, avoiding her gaze in the imposing mirrors that littered the suite.

She had understood she was pretty in tenth grade when the boys' gazes, older ones, stopped a bit longer than usual on her body. It had set off the whole machine and very soon she had begun to use her figure as her best enemy. Years had passed by and even though the wisdom of her past experiences had led her to some higher state of judgment, she was in the total incapacity of seeing people as something else than mere objects, including herself in her wrong and dangerous appreciation. When a relationship seemed to turn into the way of some human feelings, Karen went away and forgot about it, afraid to break her wrong routine. She didn't like her behavior though she couldn't help it. Her black dress on, she concentrated on her makeup and the finest strategy to hide her worries, deepening her features. She looked at her own eyes as we look in front of us absent-mindedly when we're tired. The sudden realizations about her persona were still hard to face and so she was doing her best to avoid their harsh truth.

Her heart pounding loud in her chest, she finally made her way to the ballroom, anxious and shy; ashamed while thinking about Will. She had done her hair, placing glimmering little glitters through it, matching with the brightness of her eyes and the strength of her last tears. She felt weak, too light but taking a deep breath she stepped inside and went straight to the bar; if demise there would be, alcohol would warm up her lonely soul, at least in appearance.

Beverly Leslie announced the dance and Karen clenched her fists, turning her back to the guests but feeling the weight of their gazes on her frail shoulders. You would not believe the efforts it required so that her whole attitude showed this perfect detachment she managed to get, her voice sounding loud and sure in the unfriendly room. You would not believe how bitter she could be, proving another time how talented she was at pretending while she was just fed up with it. _You would not believe how I am lonely. _And Will suddenly appeared. Her heart ceased to beat for a couple of seconds under the unexpected turn that the events were taking. He grabbed her hand before leading her to the center of the room and if they had been alone, she would have burst into tears, being honest with this friend she barely deserved as a matter of fact. He played all along and she enjoyed the heat of his body against hers, the strength of his embrace. They kissed, playfully, and an odd sensation ran through her veins; she felt alive again, the gloomy last hours fading away slowly.  
She was forgiven and cared about. _And lucky too, perhaps. _

They kept on dancing until the last notes got lost into the darkness of the night and then they stopped, still in each other's arms. She smiled at Will, almost timidly.

"Thank you, honey; thank you for everything. I'm sorry."

Will's fingers came to rest on Karen's lips, preventing her from speaking. She looked aside, still smiling, and abdicated under his request, knowing it was his own signal of forgiveness.

"Would you like a drink, Karen? Well, why am I even asking?"

Will was already on his way to the bar when she stopped him, grabbing his forearm. He turned and looked at her, confused. Karen shrugged, frowning.

"I don't want a drink, thank you. Let's just go somewhere else, honey. It's cold here, cold and artificial. It's not what I need."

Will nodded without asking for any further explanations. Obviously their last argument had weighed a lot on his friend, she had never felt so weak. They went upstairs, leaving the music and the party in full swing behind them, and found the simplicity and quietness they were looking for in Karen's suite; facing the flames dancing in the fireplace. She took off her high heels, sat down on the couch in a vague foetal position and just looked at Will, realizing how she could have missed him and what her life would have looked like if she had really lost him. Karen bit her lower lip; she wouldn't have survived, she needed him to be.


	4. Where the truth is

What she loved the most about Will, Jack and Grace was the fluidity of their conversations; how logical and natural they sounded. The four friends were extremely different but the uniqueness of their personalities used to lead them to some bewitching fusion that always matched with the moment. There was something reassuring in their words, the purity of their gazes and you couldn't help but feel like you were cared about; it was honest, honest and true. That's why Karen forgot the tension of the previous hours and enjoyed a talk in front of the fireplace. She and Will had once again found the lightness of casual days, for her highest relief. Wrapped in a gray shawl the dark-haired woman lit up the room with bright smiles and the softness of a laugh escaping from time to time from her throat. Her cheeks had taken the pink shade of warmness and simple happiness while her eyes were sparkling with delight. She was just feeling alive.

"How can you say that? He's all but romantic! His words are so sharp…" Will shook his head in disbelief while they were discussing the style of some poet.

"And it's exactly in this paradox that his genius works. His words are extremely sharp, almost unbearable to hear though the melody of the prose is the softest sound ever heard. It's a subtle fusion between two distinctive and even opposite aspects. It's a breathtaking…"

"Breathtaking?"

"Yes, breathtaking, Will! It's a breathtaking symbol of how everything is made to complete the rest."

Will frowned under the sagacity of the comment. "So in a word, we only exist thanks to the others? As long as we refuse the completing process, the communication, we are nothing…"

"Yes, honey. We are just souls who wander aimlessly through a universe that sounds absurd and pointless. Until we die and it's too late."

Taken away by the conviction of her own words, Karen suddenly realized the sadness of her conclusion and she looked aside, bitter of the unexpected truth that seemed to have come straight from her heart. She shrugged to nothing in particular but her own wonders. _And I don't complete anything, anyone. _Her painful silence made Will come closer to her and gently, he pushed away a strand of hair that was dancing in front of her eyes. She looked up, her face mere inches away from her friend's one. For a couple of seconds they didn't speak, didn't move. They stayed still, their eyes plunged in each other's ones, scanning the dark circle of the pupil and all the implicit words that were passing by their gazes; seriousness embracing sincere feelings. They could have broken apart and the intensity of their look, just laughed and got to another conversation, another topic but something pushed them to choose a different way and very slowly they closed their eyes before their lips touching into a confusing kiss; the warmness of Will's breath against Karen's shivering skin.

A whole wave of panic took possession of her mind, a series of questions about her troubled heart and what was happening now. Who had made the first step, why? And what would come next when they broke apart? Under normal circumstances they wouldn't have kissed, she wouldn't have let it occur, no matter… No matter what? Will's hand traveled along her nape. He deepened the kiss; she moaned in his mouth. _No matter how I like that. _She thought about Jack and Grace, nothing would ever be the same now. She felt bad as if she were betraying them somehow, breaking the rules of their friendship for a couple of whims and furtive feelings. Her leg caressed his hip, he tightened his grip on her waist. But she couldn't stop though, didn't want to. They broke apart, breathless, her lips still against his. She looked up very slowly and locked her eyes with his, quietly asking for a reason why they had come to this point and what they should do now.

Her fingertips brushed his palm before getting lost along his skin, their incontrollable shaking vanishing slowly. For a couple of seconds they stayed still, Karen holding Will's hand on her back, unsure of the next move and the meanings it would bring. Perhaps it was already too late anyway and coming backwards wouldn't change a lot if only it did as a matter of fact. They had already chosen, a piece of an unknown feeling falling apart at the same time.

Karen stood up slowly and led Will to her bed, looking down at the floor, still holding his hand. It smelled of the awkwardness of the first times; when a sentiment of timidity wraps the two lovers in the respectful silence of important moments. Something is about to happen and we perfectly know what; a tender gesture of care, a bright motion of love for the luckiest ones. But whatever its stage, it's still a step forward. Her legs brushed the edge of the mattress and she turned around, facing Will for the first time since their way from the couch. Her feet slid along the leather of the shoes as she took them off, her fingers intertwined with his. She went up on the bed, kneeling down on it before laying on her back, Will following her movement until he rested on top of her, his face mere inches from hers. She didn't smile, just looked at him with the confusion of her honesty. She didn't know why it was happening or why they didn't stop. Or why her feet seemed so warm against his ankles and the dizzy feeling of his body so close to hers. He leaned over and captured her lips in a deep kiss.

They never closed their eyes, never broke apart. The softness of their caresses got substituted by the intensity of their peaceful thrusts and she kept on looking at him, her forehead against his; trying desperately to pass underneath his skin.

She got bewitched by the rhythm of their breaths and the sweetness of their intimacy; how they remained silent, as if the slightest word could damage everything. Anyway they had never needed to speak; it had always been implicit.

She shivered in their last kiss before he broke apart, coming to rest against her neck, the warmness of his breath rocking her soul. She could feel his heart beating under her palm, through the bones of his back; and she loved it. He rolled on his side and caressed her cheek. She waited patiently that his fingers would pass on her lips to kiss them softly as she plunged her eyes in his then let the heat of their bodies take her away in a whirl of dreams.

_I made love to Will; or he made love to me. Perhaps the truth rests in both sentences._


	5. An old dream of mine

The first time she had come to Shelter Island, Karen was twenty-five. Still married to her first husband, the one who would die unexpectedly and bequeath to her his whole fortune, the young woman had dreamed about this place that she had only heard about in some conversations; old memories of another time. So when her turn had finally arrived, she had barely been able to hide her childish impatience while the ocean was taking her away to Shelter Island. The luxury of the boat being a soft prelude to what was supposed to come, Karen had remained quiet, contemplating with delight the secret heaven she had been invited to. Perhaps it's the reason why we shouldn't fantasize like that but when the cliffs appeared in front of her, she couldn't help but make a face, vaguely disappointed; it had nothing to do with the whole series of images that the dark-haired woman had consciously built in her mind since the day she had held the invitation in her hands.

It was just a rock in the middle of nowhere with expensive stores and classic services typical of any palace. The only difference was the large blue ribbon formed by the ocean that you could see from any area. Apart from that, Shelter Island was as boring as The Upper Eat Side when you didn't know anyone. Most of the times Karen used to spend her days clutched to the bar, drowning her loneliness into glasses of martini and vodka, feeling too young in comparison with the other wives; a bit apart. The years had passed by though the routine had remained and her reputation strengthened too. It was a matter of honor, now; honor and politeness. People were expecting from her a singular behavior and she couldn't disappoint them as Shelter Island had done once with herself.

_I guess I need a change, a complete makeover. There're some things I can't bear, about me, about my life. It went all wrong once and I don't know who I am. I need help and love; Will's the one. Will…_

The heat of the sun suddenly warmed up her back and she slowly opened her eyes, facing the trees of the park and the ocean, glimmering behind. The sky was blue and her sensations soft, still half-way between her dreams and the comeback to reality like every morning. It took her a couple of seconds before she realized that she wasn't resting on a mattress, the natural and regular beats of a heart sounding quietly against her own skin; and Will's gaze when she looked up and faced him.

"Good morning, miss."

His voice had been a sweet whisper lit up by a smile. Subconsciously Karen looked aside, blushing and breaking apart from the embrace of his arms. She nodded quietly, still avoiding his gaze but she could feel his breath on her face, mere inches from her body. She didn't know what to say or to do. Of course she remembered everything, their slightest gesture and every single kiss. But she couldn't help being confused. Was it a new start? _Or just another mistake in the middle of my pointless life._ Her wonders got stopped by Will's sudden move when he grabbed her neck and brushed her lips softly before deepening the kiss. She almost gasped, surprised, before abandoning herself to the warm pleasure of the touch and she smiled in his mouth, her hand traveling from his nape to his hair as he rolled on his side and passed on top of her.

They stayed in bed until the clock of the church outside stuck five; they were supposed to leave at six. The blanket slid along her back as Will got up, heading to the bathroom. She just stayed there, laid on her stomach, looking absent-mindedly at the back of his naked body until he completely vanished behind the oak door of the suite. Her gaze got lost in the contemplation of the wall and the odd turn that the events seemed to have taken. They had made love, several times; alternating sweet moments, restful ones, a whole world of caresses, rocked along by a powerful intensity. Karen blushed while thinking about it, butterflies running through her veins, from her stomach to her heart. There was something about Will that she hadn't found in any man she had dated, any lover she had spent the night with. Will dared to look and face her real persona; he was being sincere. A cell phone rang, somewhere next to the bed. Karen went for it and answered the phone, vaguely aware of the fact it was Will's cell and a call from Grace. She laid down on her back, settling further under the blanket.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Karen. Is Will there?"

Hearing the water running in the bathroom, Karen shook her head before realizing that she actually needed to speak, Grace not being in front of her. Phones could make us very stupid. "No, honey, he's in the shower."

"Oh… Okay then can you tell him that I won't be here tonight because I'm on a date?"

"The dairy guy? Oh Gracie…" Karen made a face before rolling her eyes and finally sighing. "Okay I will tell him."

"Thank you. So how about the weekend? How did it go?"

"Hum… It went well, yes."

"I'm sure you'll have plenty of things to tell me when you're back!"

"That is extremely possible, indeed." The dark-haired woman suddenly felt how her heart was speeding up its pace under the confusing comeback to New York she would have to face.

"I have to go now so… Have a nice day and please, don't throw Will over the boat, okay? I know you're dying for it though he can't swim."

Karen smiled then put down the phone on the bedside table. Had she just lied to her friend? Had she just betrayed her while not telling the truth about Will and her? She sighed, looking down at her hands and the paleness of her wedding ring. And how come she hadn't even thought about Stanley?

"A penny for your thoughts."

Karen jumped, surprised by Will's unexpected return, fresh from the shower; a towel wrapped around his waist. She shrugged before looking up at him. She felt how the air was filling her lungs, how her voice was soft but sincere; bitter and determined, almost utopian.

"I just want to be alive."

_This is an old dream of mine._


	6. Who will we be?

Will looked at Karen without saying anything but his simple gaze probably weighed more than a whole series of words for them. Her last reply had been unexpected; the moment, their situation, nothing would have tended to make us think that she would decide to confess a truth with such a meaning, right there. Perhaps she imagined that she lacked the courage; that her life was pointless and she had ruined her dreams though a second had been enough to understand how wrong she could be. She had locked her eyes with his while answering; and never broken apart. Karen assumed her statements, no matter their importance and you couldn't help but feel impressed; and a little bit scared. _I just want to be alive. _The words were sounding loud in her head, floating heavily through a lack of answers and a confusing state. Lord knows why she had come up with that, what was she looking for exactly?

"Do you think you will get it some day?"

She felt like thanking him for not making fun of her or just ignoring her comment; as if he had understood the importance of her words, as blurry as her own conception about it could be. Her eyes slid from his gaze to his cheek, looking blankly at it. She bit her lower lip, looking for an answer somewhere in her mind, unless it was her heart. Then, very slowly, she found his brown eyes as her shaking fingers brushed his face. She came closer to him, preparing herself for an inevitable kiss and when her lips felt the heat of his mouth, she smiled at him.

"I guess there's hope. Yes, there's hope, honey."

And she captured his lips with hers.

From the awkwardness of the situation substituted a second wave of awkwardness. Will left for his room to pack his things before they were set to leave. He closed the door and Karen faced her suite, alone. What had they done? Or better said, what were they doing? The dark-haired woman was torn between the image of their friendship and the sudden intrusion into another world, another kind of relationship. They hadn't spoken about it, not even implicitly. It was obvious they were troubled and didn't know how to deal with it but they remained silent, afraid of the fact the answer they could get from each other wouldn't fit their wishes. She finally got up and headed to the bathroom, pushing her wonders aside, enjoying the heat of the water on her back. _I am not even sorry, Stan._

Twenty minutes later her high heels resounded in the hallway, stifled by the Eastern carpets. Karen turned on her left and came to face the door of Will's suite. She knocked and very soon they made their way downstairs where a limousine was waiting. None of them were speaking; they were looking at the floor with an embarrassment typical from a teenager's first date; avoiding gazes, not daring the slightest touch, barely breathing. She stepped in the car, then him, and the Auberge of Shelter Island suddenly vanished behind in the most uncomfortable silence. What was she supposed to do? Perhaps they had put an implicit end to everything as soon as Will had left her room and it was the kind of stories that would remain in the darkness; a follie à deux at some palace hotel. She had her life in New York, he had his own one. And there was absolutely no reason that they changed the main lines and get involved into some relationship. Even the idea they could do it was disturbing.

The sun was shining high when they arrived to the harbor. It looked like the all high society of The Upper East Side had invaded the place, Prada and Armani suits flirting with the finest fragrances. Karen winced under the bright light but she didn't put on her sunglasses and headed straight to the boat, avoiding her Gucci partners in crime.

"Good evening, Mrs Walker, Mr Truman."

A smiling attendant welcomed them aboard, checking the list of the passengers. The young woman turned towards Karen.

"You get the main suite, Mrs Walker, as usual. Would you like to get your cocktail there?"

Karen nodded absent-mindedly, bored by all this routine. The attendant turned around and led them to their respective cabins. The hallways were large and bright; the different floors offering all the services that any palace was supposed to own. It was so easy to forget that you were on a ship, lost in the middle of the sea.

"We will leave on time in exactly fifteen minutes. You will find the menu of the restaurant in your suites. I already booked the best table under your name, near the French window as you enjoy it. Besides the landscape will be breathtaking tonight, fireworks are about to start from the hills. There's an historic celebration downtown."

Karen stopped all of a sudden, Will bumping into her, surprised by her move. She felt her face light up, her lungs getting filled with air. Within a second her whole body seemed to come back to life after a long lethargy and she gasped, her voice still half-asleep. The attendant looked at her, confused.

"Is there something wrong, Mrs Walker?"

"Oh… No, everything's perfect. It's just… Hum… Just bring our cocktails on the deck, okay? Will! Come with me, you have to see that!"

Forgetting about the lack of definition of their relationship, she grabbed his hand and began to run through the hallways. Her sudden and unexpected behavior seemed to have lightened her heart, as if her icy worries, troubling wonders, had vanished as soon as she had made a step forward and accept to live. Will followed her, laughing. This scene sounded like a déjà-vu that ended up with the loss of The Titanic, minus the water infiltrating the boat. They ran upstairs and finally stopped when they arrived outside, on the upper deck. Some guests had taken possession of the armchairs, sipping peacefully their martinis. Karen didn't even look at them and she went straight to the edge of the desk, breathing loud after their run from the depths of the ship.

"Just wait and see."

She smiled at Will, still holding his hand. They both turned towards the town spread below. The signal of the immediate departure sounded loud behind them though very soon it got lost in the explosion of the multicolored fireworks, lighting up their faces with a splendid rainbow of joy. Still under the charms of such a contemplation, Karen took a deep breath before pressing Will's hand softly, her thumb caressing his skin. She turned and plunged her eyes in his, frowning. Her confusion gave a unique shade to her features, when seriousness gets mixed with troubling feelings. Something warmed up her heart when she saw that Will was dealing with a confusing similarity. She shook her head, whispering.

"What is happening?"

"I don't know. I have no idea."

Nonetheless she came closer to him and kissed his lips softly, murmuring against them.

"Then we'll see."

Will nodded and came back to their kiss, wrapping his arms around her waist as she abandoned herself to the unknown of their embrace.


	7. Addictive New York City

The lights of Manhattan appeared in the night like a thousand candles in the darkness of a church. There was nothing more classic than the figures of the buildings emerging from the metropolis but Karen was never tired of it. All the essence of New York, its magic, seemed to rest and find its strength in this perspective. She hadn't fallen in love with the city until such a vision, by night, stole her heart and bewitched her soul. She had already got married twice by then. Will looked at her, amused by the sparkling of her eyes in front of the French window. Her features had adopted the innocence of childhood when we still think that our dreams can come true. It wasn't even fascination but the intensity of contemplation, a quiet declaration of love for a piece of ground and Karen was far, lost in the purity of her sensations. She relaxed and settled further on the couch, not breaking eye-contact with Manhattan, her head coming to rest on Will's shoulder. She frowned.

"I would never be able to live somewhere else. This is the place I belong to. Do you feel the same?"

Will turned and stared at her hair. He bent down to kiss her temple but for some reason didn't dare so he finally leaned his head over hers before looking at the lights of Manhattan.

"New York always ends up being part of some addictive story. We hatefully love it. I can't picture myself in another city."

"Then I guess we both agree, honey."

The ride in the limousine symbolized an awkward transition between the events of Shelter Island and their comeback to New York. Nothing had changed apart from Karen's fingers intertwined with Will's ones. They stepped out of the car on Riverside Drive and very soon found themselves back in the well-known flat. It was only 7pm and reluctant to spend an evening alone at her manse, the dark-haired woman decided to stay for dinner. After all Grace wasn't even there and Jack hadn't pop up yet to claim for his _Souvenir from Shelter Island_ which consisted on a pair of Prada sunglasses as his list of gifts recommended. Will went straight to his bedroom to put down his bag, leaving Karen alone for a couple of minutes. She knew the place by heart now and even considered it, in secret, as her second home if not to say the only one as a matter of fact though that night her heart was beating louder than usual, her hands shaking vaguely; would they ever overcome their new status? She sighed, annoyed by her lack of comfort, frustrated for not being able to assume it correctly. Her gaze scanned the room slowly before she finally looked down, biting her lower lip.

As much as she was trying, she couldn't help thinking about the changes. She had given up the role of the friend for a more complicated one, more intense. The dark-haired woman who was wandering nervously through the room could be seen from a different perspective, the lover one; the girlfriend. Butterflies danced in her stomach when the word came to her mind. _Girlfriend… Aren't I too old for that? _She shrugged and headed to the kitchen. Yes, everything was different now.

The hours passed by and Jack never showed up which allowed them to enjoy a face-to-face dinner, an intimate one. The blurriness of their relationship nonetheless led them to Will's bed with an unexpected freedom of movements that they welcomed silently under sweet caresses and sensual kisses. It was all instinctive, logical and true. They didn't try to pretend, didn't play any role but being themselves with all their weaknesses and sincerity. They didn't care about the rest and when a wave of warmness, running from her spine to her hair, made Karen shiver, she wished she could have stayed in Will's arms forever because she felt safe, there.

She grabbed his hand and caressed his palm, then his fingers.

"I like your thumb."

"My thumb?" Will laughed under the surprising statement. He looked at Karen laid next to him, contemplating his fingers; she was smiling. Her hair was a bit messy, strands falling on her face haphazardly in the sexiest way he had ever happened to see. "And what else do you like about me?"

"That… And that…" Karen leaned on her elbows, kissing his temple, then his chest, just over his heart. When her lips made contact with his skin, his beats speeded up their pace, loudly. She stopped a few seconds to listen to them before heading back to his chin.

"And how about my lips?"

Karen laughed against them, locking her eyes with his. "Let me see…" She passed on top of him and kissed him deeply.

She left at two in the morning. Will had fallen asleep and a peaceful silence was reigning now over the flat. Grace would probably come back very soon and the situation was awkward enough like that. Karen didn't feel like adding an unexpected meeting with her friend while laying on Will's bed, her clothes scattered all around. This wasn't college. She stepped back in the limo and looked blankly at the streets speeding past in front of her in the darkness of the night. All of a sudden she caught her reflection in the window of the car; a smile was lighting up her eyes.


	8. But life goes on?

It was like a sudden loss of heat against her palm, the disappearance of an invisible warmness that had rocked her soul until now; passing unnoticed. Will let go of her hand and an icy shower ran through her back as they turned at the corner of the street and saw Grace, waiting for them a few steps away. Karen never felt angry with such a gesture, she would have done it firstly if she had happened to realize her friend's presence there but still, against her own wisdom a part of her couldn't help but think about it with sadness, frustration and nonetheless some relief.

She had never been good at demonstrating her feelings, perhaps because they weren't true enough to be showed and expressed. They used to make her uncomfortable and in order to hide her troubling shyness, she simply chose to play the overreacting card and so everybody forgot about the rest; they only saw a sort of diva flirting scandalously with vulgarity and nastiness. She had never liked it but was accustomed to it; an odd compromise that she tried to ignore as much as she could. All her relationships had been extremely different, depending on moods, behaviors and time. Though what scared her the most right now was the sweetness of the present one; a love affair looking like an idyllic marriage. _What is wrong with me? Why do I always do the exact opposite of life expectations? _She shrugged and put her wonders aside; insecurities were a common thing for everyone, a frightening routine.

They had come back from Shelter Island a week ago under the confusion of an unexpected future and still unsure of what they were supposed to do, they had simply let themselves get taken away by the events; the evolution brought by the hours passing by slowly. Implicitly they had chosen to stay quiet on their story. Anyway they wouldn't have been able to put a name on it, or didn't dare to. Little by little they were learning about their new situation, accepting the changes with all their meanings. They didn't choose anything but let their instinct decide for them. She made the first step and called Will when for the first time since Valentine's Day, they spent the night at their respective flats. She was missing his voice and his presence next to her though she never said more about her own feelings; with some hope he would get it by himself, as scary as it could be. He leaned over and kissed her lips sweetly under all her expectations when they met at some restaurant for lunch on a sunny Wednesday. Grace and Jack weren't there but still, he had made a step forward and dared to show their relation in public.

The lack of definition didn't seem to get their natural conversations troubled and even though their hearts were still a bit fuzzy, at least they had no problem to speak with this fluidity that had always characterized their friendship. The most awkward moment was probably like this one, when they had to face Grace, or Jack. _And pretend there's nothing, absolutely nothing. _Will smiled at the red-haired woman, Karen sighed and sat down at the table, simply being herself or at least the person people thought she was. They ordered their drinks and while Grace was talking with Will, she just observed her friend, her features. Where was the fairness in this story? Betraying Grace, sharing secret nights with Will, lying to Jack… Or just enjoying, for once, the warmness of her life?

"How is Stanley? You barely speak about him, lately."

Karen jumped while hearing her husband's name in the middle of the conversation. She frowned and locked her eyes with Grace but finally decided to take her time to answer. It would be the best way to also realize that the image of Stanley in jail hadn't even crossed her mind since her comeback to New York. Her cheeks reddened under the shame but very soon her nerves controlled her instinctive emotions. The dark-haired woman shrugged.

"I suppose he's fine; well, as much as that is possible when you spend the whole day in a hole smaller than your ass."

Her laugh sounded blank and bitter but it passed unnoticed; sometimes it was great to be seen as a bitch. Karen grabbed her glass and while the vodka was sliding along her throat, she looked aside at Will for a couple of seconds. His brown eyes were staring at the street and the lights of Times Square; the crowd of tourists coming and going permanently. There was no smile on his face, just a veil of sadness and an ounce of worry; unless it was despair and a sentiment of guilt. Karen bit her lower lip and, after clearing her voice, leaned over, adopting a serious tone.

"Stanley is fine and I'm definitely better without him."

It hadn't been an impulsive statement, on the contrary a studied sentence. She had taken her time and thought about it before saying it out loud. And she hadn't sounded sharp but honest, making the whole table uncomfortable under such a statement. Nobody was accustomed to serious and sincere confessions from Karen; Will and Grace were disarmed. She sighed then rolled her eyes.

"Don't be worried, Gracie. This is far from being the first time for me."

The sudden intrusion in her own space made her gasp but very soon she relaxed in his arms, still looking at the white towel folded next to her plate. Grace grabbed her hand as Will finally loosened his embrace and Karen found herself facing two smiling friends, supporting ones.

"Aren't you sweet, Gracie?"

For some reason she swallowed hard, feeling the tears welling up in her eyes. Immediately she cleared her voice but one more time Will's gesture surprised her when he leaned on his side and kissed her temple with care before locking his eyes with hers, his hand caressing her back slowly. She felt like rushing into his arms, capturing his lips in a tender and honest kiss. She felt like forgetting all the rest and spending the whole day, perhaps even her whole life, making love to him; murmuring a light "thank you" to his ear. For a couple of seconds Karen felt like living her own dreams but of course she restrained herself and simply looked at him, smiling mockingly.

"I told you Wilma it would only be a matter of time. Nobody can resist my charms."

Will winced, vaguely taken aback by the hidden honesty of her remark. "Your charms have been drowned into an ocean of vodka, Drunkella. I seriously doubt they're still working now."

_And life goes on, doesn't it?_


	9. You got mail

Of course she had seen the movie a couple of times, like everyone. Her heart had even melted under the final kiss in the middle of Riverside Park during a warm summer afternoon but it was just a romantic comedy; a pure fiction that wasn't supposed to cross the limits of the screen and invade her own reality. Something went wrong at one moment, she lost control and very soon found herself escaping from some superficial feelings that would have had, at least, the merit to get her past mistakes pleased; a simple affair, casual sex and friendship. Her hazel eyes kept on glimmering through her fake self-confidence, as if nothing had happened and would never do though her mind began to shout out loud that her confusion was going too far and Karen had more and more difficulties to deal with both aspects of her life.

"I'm thinking about getting a divorce."

As unexpected as the statement could have sounded, her voice had never been so clear; her tone so determined and logical. She had come up with it while smiling peacefully, playing with the ice cubes lost in her glass of scotch, dancing around the brown drink. It seemed so evident after all, almost too much as a matter of fact. She was losing her time with Stanley; and ruining her life perhaps. Grace had looked up slowly, locking her eyes with Karen's before simply nodding, then hugging her tight. _I won't hurt Will, Grace. I can't do that. Don't be mad. _Three weeks now and both lovers were still silent, knowing perfectly well how time would be their worst enemy when it came to clear everything out . The more they waited, the more their friends had a chance to take it badly. They just couldn't do it; for a million of reasons and an ocean of fears. They felt trapped into their lies and the weight of their feelings.

Very slowly she entered the password and waited for the connection, an impatient guilt passing through her face, lighting up her delicate and pale features. She sighed, barely hiding a smile when she noticed that she had got mail. _That sounds ridiculous and cheesy. Please don't tell me I have the same puppy eyes as Meg Ryan right now._ Putting her glasses on and vaguely glancing at Grace over her screen, Karen finally opened the window and plunged into the reading of Will's missive. It had resulted to be a safer way than their daily phone calls, the privacy of the writing process allowing them to feel free. But above the fear they could get caught on the phone, there was this sweet symbol that Karen loved a lot about emailing: written, the words would remain permanently and she would be sure to keep safe all those memories.

Subconsciously they were building and strengthening the net of their relationship while emailing. The distance was helpful to confess a secret or some personal dreams. Curiously they never spoke about their messages when they shared a face-to-face, constantly passing from a world to another one, trying to fight against a complex reality and accepting perhaps, even slowly, the fact they could be seen as something more than the protagonists of a friendship. The idea of her own naked body intertwined with Will's one seemed to belong now to some logic, an honest concept she wasn't ashamed of. She had stopped blushing when intimate moments came to her mind and if it wasn't Grace and Jack, Karen could have said that she assumed it perfectly.

**_The sun was warming up my cheeks in a way I had never felt before; with such intensity that for a minute or so, I refused to open my eyes and look at it. I guess I was afraid that it could swallow me and unsure of its entrails, I had simply decided not to take the risk. _**

**_There was a soft breeze, passing through my hair and caressing my nape; like a bewitching breath against a shivering skin. And this smell, so particular, that went strongly to my head and I couldn't help but love it. Now I'm looking backwards it's the first memory I have about temptation and the realization that my conscious was fighting against my heart, shouting out loud that I should be careful and take the weight of my responsibilities but I was only six and far from being ready for it. _**

**_Children were laughing somewhere on my left side but their tiny voices seemed to get lost into the loud noise of the waves coming and going permanently, adding itself to my fears and all the dangers that this place meant to me. I was holding my mother's hand, her wedding ring engraving on my palm the shape of the circle and the little diamond resting in the middle. She began to move forward but my feet refused to follow her and so I stayed behind, clutching her arm, shaking my head; my eyes still closed. My sister was making fun of me while I was simply paralyzed by my fears. I couldn't see her though I knew that my mother was disappointed. _**

**_All of a sudden his hands caressed my waist and he took me in his arms, kissing my cheek slowly through the tears that were running now. _**

**_"Take a deep breath, little ruby. As long as you're with me, you can leave behind your fears."_**

**_His voice had always been reassuring; his words so soft. All of a sudden I felt safe in his arms, protected against this unknown world that I didn't dare to face; even the breeze couldn't pass through his body and reach me. I nodded and leaned against his shoulder while very slowly he turned around and for the very time I saw the ocean spread before me. _**

**_It was somewhere near _****_San Diego_****_. A couple of weeks later I turned seven and then he died, suddenly. _**

**_I miss my dad, Will. I miss him so badly._**

**_His "little ruby"._**

Karen shut down the computer and got another drink._ And I need you, Will. I need you so badly._


	10. A house, a dog, a word

She turned on her right and made a few steps forward, looking all around her for an explanation to the reason why she was standing there on a rainy afternoon, alone with a red umbrella matching with the yellow ferries of The Circle Line in her back. The deck was deserted, like the old buildings surrounding her, closed for a very long while now. Her hazel eyes stopped on the dirty and faded colors of the brick walls just in time to see a rat running on the damp asphalt and vanishing behind a trash can. She gasped and tightened her grip on her purse, feeling more and more uncomfortable. The scene reminded her of some old movie, in black and white, when the girlfriend of a dangerous Mafioso had been chosen to get thousands of dollars hidden in a suitcase from the hands of some rival and she didn't like that. All of a sudden the noise of tires made her come back to reality and a short bus stopped almost in front of her. Thirty kids or so rushed out, their excited screams and laughs putting an abrupt end to the gloomy silence preceding their arrival. Karen looked at them with surprise, feeling a bit stupid alone next to them, waiting for Lord knows what. They passed on her side and headed straight to a ferry, their little rucksacks balancing from right to left on their backs.

A hand slid on her waist and grabbed her firmly. She jumped under the unexpected touch and turned her head to face some well-known features. She finally relaxed and smiled at him before leaning over and capturing his lips in a tender kiss. Abandoning herself to the warm caress she loosened her grip on the oak stick and the umbrella fall down next to their feet. The contact of the raindrops with her skin troubled her heart, unless it was just Will. She deepened the kiss and smiled in his mouth, molding her body against his, her arms lost in the heat of his nape. For a couple of seconds she felt so light, so fine. And when they broke apart Karen knew that she had at last reached the strength of her own happiness. She frowned and smiled, locking her eyes with his.

"What are we doing here, honey? It's a bit creepy."

"Don't you know the saying, little ruby? All the creepy things lead to lovely places."

She laughed and let Will grab her hand, taking her away towards a ferry. It was the very first time that he had organized some secret getaway and she felt like she was a child, butterflies dancing in her stomach, in her head and her heart. They stepped into the smallest ferry and went immediately on the upper deck. She blushed and couldn't help but smile when she remembered their last travel; the return from Shelter Island and the fireworks lighting up their sweet confusion. There was still a lot left to definite but the irrepressible sensation they were doing right was reigning nonetheless over the days, the weeks passing by. It was still raining and all the other passengers were inside but they didn't care at all and so they stayed there, under the gray clouds, looking at Manhattan vanishing slowly in front of their eyes. _A piece of my soul is slowly falling for you, Will. Be careful please, I can't control it; I don't want to, honey._

"So where do we go, Will?"

She looked at him, passing her arm around his waist.

"Wherever you want, sweetie. We'll stop when you feel like it."

"And what if I don't want to stop?"

"Then we'll spend the rest of our life on this ferry, looking at the city without ever coming back to reality."

"And it would be cyclical…"

Will nodded, pouting vaguely under the boringness that such word could mean. But Karen's words changed all his perspectives.

"It would be cyclical but lovely and safe." _And we wouldn't have to break apart anymore. Your lips would be mine and I would be yours for the rest of my life._

They opted for Coney Island and the afternoon passed by through soft kisses and tender smiles.

Something happened two days later; an unexpected event that came up for honest reasons, vital needs. But neither Karen nor Will had planned anything. Sometimes a word is just enough to reconsider a relationship.

"It will be a two-story house with a lovely backyard. The rooms will be large and clear, the sun sliding along the wooden floor and the softness of the furniture."

"The grass will be green, matching to perfection with the teak table and its chairs. There will be plants everywhere and a French window leading to the living room."

"The walls will be decorated with delicate paintings. There will be books everywhere and the warmness of the lamps will give a friendly atmosphere to the place." Karen's eyes were glimmering while fantasizing in Will's arms about some other life. They used to do it a lot, lately; how would it be when they moved forward? They could pretend that it was just a childish game though none of them was unaware of the haunting feelings wandering behind their words. "And we will have a dog called Bernie."

"Bernie?" Will burst out laughing and kissed Karen's temple, softening her features as by magic. "Okay… A dog called Bernie… Let's see… Hum… The stairs will lead to four doors upstairs: our bedroom, a bathroom, a guestroom."

Fingering his hair absent-mindedly, Karen was smiling, looking at the floor of the flat. It was almost 6pm and very soon they would have to come back to their daily routine; pretending all the way that it was just a friendship. The taste of lies was bitter in her mouth but she managed to put it aside and enjoy all the rest; from Will's arms to her own happiness. "What is the fourth door for, Will?"

"It will be for our kids."

Her heart stopped beating suddenly, her fingers half-way through his scalp. Her features got paralyzed and she barely kept on breathing. _Our kids._ Fantasizing about another life was some thing but still, there were some rules to keep in touch with reality. And Will had just crossed them subconsciously. A dog, a house, it was all basic but children reached another meaning. _Especially for me… _Karen moved her head slowly, looking at the floor with attention, swallowing back very old tears. She may have believed in fairy tales when she was young but her own existence had taught her with the years that it didn't work out like that. You still could get married and have no child.

"Are you okay, Karen?"

Still avoiding his gaze, the dark-haired woman cleared her voice and nodded weakly. "Yes, honey, I'm fine."

The sound of some keys against the door made them break apart and Grace came in, followed by Jack. Perhaps she had just suffered from a heart attack and so her brain had died. She looked how her friends kept on living, talking and laughing while she couldn't even move, much less breathe. She grabbed her coat absent-mindedly and headed for the door without saying a word; in shock.

"You're leaving, Karen?"

She turned around and looked at Grace, vaguely nodding. "Yes, I have to call Stanley and…" _Children._ He could see children in their house. She didn't finish her sentence and turned back to the door, opening it slowly under the lack of surprise of her friends; after all she was known for her weird behavior so it didn't change a lot. Her eyes stared at the elevators and her right foot was in the air, ready to make a step forward when she turned around suddenly and dropped everything: her purse, the door, her fears. She rushed into Will's arms and kissed him with the sweetness of her honesty and all the strength of her feelings; and for a couple of seconds she forgot about Jack, about Grace; about her own marriage. It was all about Will; just him. She broke apart and locked her eyes with his, her hands lost in his hair as he had grabbed her waist. She bit her lower lip before smiling brightly.

"I love you, Will."

And Karen kissed him back under the silent confusion of Grace and Jack.


	11. This is a heart story

This is the story of a boy who meets a girl in the university. All the elements are there so that they get taken in a whirl. This is love at first sight but not a usual one and very soon the guy has to face the fact he kept on lying; to her, to himself, to everyone. The truth isn't always easy and they will need time to overcome it but their fusion is such that they need each other and will always do. It's not a friendship or a platonic love; it goes above all these things without ever reaching the right word, the unique definition to what they're living. It's a destructive relationship unless you understand it and nod to the implicit rules. The years pass by and whatever they do, they always end up being two. They're trapped into their impossibility to make a step forward on their own and even though they're conscious of that, they can't help themselves and so they ruin their lives.

They have some friends in spite of it all and they're even close to two of them. As unexpected as it is, they found some balance or at least they thought so because something happened a month ago; it fell down without any warning, as if it had only been appearances until now, a weak façade. He kissed the other girl and felt alive. Nothing will be the same now but still; Will needs Grace to go on.

Karen broke apart and plunged her face in Will's neck, smiling against his skin, tightening her embrace on him. His arms were warm and comforting on her waist. She listened for a while to her heart, beating lightly, relieved in her chest. _Love is so unexpected. _She moved and looked at him, satisfied. _So addicting._ Reality slowly made its way to her brain until her mind set off and the coldness on her back reminded her of Jack and Grace, waiting behind silently; probably shocked as a matter of fact. Her hand slid on his shirt until she found his palm and intertwined their fingers, looking for some courage to turn around and face her friends. Her gaze followed the wooden floor but she stayed still, unable to look up and assume her acts, the whole situation. Very soon her body started shaking uncontrollably and she bit her lips, feeling ridiculous; stupid. She sighed, swallowing hard.

"I'm so sorry… I don't want to ruin anything."

For anyone who knew Karen Walker this moment would have been a real shock. The dark-haired woman seemed to have lost her eloquence and she vaguely looked like a teenager, lacking self-confidence; shameful and shy. She felt the tears well up in her eyes and run down her face silently. They had accepted her in their lives and she had messed up everything for a couple of prohibited feelings and the hope that perhaps, she wouldn't fall in love with Will; it would be the matter of a night, just one. She had failed and even worse, taken him in her mistakes. The silence around her was too loud to be left and ignored. She burst into tears and let her pain come out. It was too late and her humiliation could begin now. Anyway she would leave the place soon and never come back there but even this option sounded bad; too easy. _Deal with your own crap for Christ's sake!_ The words stay trapped and then you die.

"Why are you crying? Karen, stop now!"

And she found herself in Grace's arms, crying her eyes out uncontrollably while her friend was hugging her tight, trying to calm her down. Then it crossed her mind, all of a sudden. There was no yelling, no door that got slammed. The flat was still plunged into a peaceful atmosphere while three pairs of arms were now comforting her anxious heart. And life went on, slowly but surely; as if nothing had changed. _As long as you're with me, you can leave your fears behind, little ruby. _Her father's words sounded loud in her head and like during that summer in San Diego, protected by the love of her friends, Karen opened her eyes and dared to face the truth; a wave of relief embracing her soul and a smile lighting up her hazel eyes. She looked at Jack, at Will. A thousand ideas were dancing in her brain, speeding up her heartbeats; and then she faced Grace. She frowned, shaking her head; apologizing in silent for all these things she couldn't manage to regret in spite of all. She was in love and happy. As much as it was complicated, she didn't want to ignore the sweetness of her singular story nor the fact that it happened to be with Will.

"I'm not mad at you, Karen. Don't…" Grace laughed, embarrassed in front of her friend's obvious despair. "Don't apologize… I'm just… Well…" She bit her lip, looking for the right words to put on her feelings. "I don't know…I think you just caught us by surprise. We weren't expecting that." Grace looked at Jack. His mouth was still open in disbelief but nonetheless he cleared his voice and nodded to her, staring blankly at her face.

"Yes, that's true. Kare… We just want you to be happy and if it has to be with…" Jack made a face, restraining a shiver. "With Will… Then why not! It's just unexpected. That's all."

An uncomfortable silence came back over the four friends. None of them dared to move, unsure of what was supposed to come now after such surprising confession. Every single one was dealing with personal wonders and a couple of unknown sensations that had wrapped up their souls. Jack clasped, making the others jumped all of a sudden.

"Well… I guess now you two…" He pointed at Karen and Will. "Have a long story to tell us." He sat down on the couch, rolling his eyes and waiting impatiently.

"Jack is right! Okay we may not need to know all the details but… When did it start?" Grace headed to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of vodka. She wasn't thirsty but she definitely needed to feel dizzy.


	12. The Wind of change

She looked at her name engraved on the sheet of paper and smiled. The five letters always defined the person she was but she couldn't help thinking that they sounded different as if they had got the right tone to match her aspirations; at last. It is funny to see how some feelings can change a whole situation; how a simple heartbeat can darken your life or brighten your dreams. She took a deep breath and stared at Stanley sat in front of her. He hadn't said a word, slightly moved; just cooperated blankly, nodding from time to time, an unreadable gaze in his eyes. _Should I feel bad for what I am doing?_ She passed her tongue on her lips, lost in her wonders; looking for an answer to her lack of guilt. She may had married twice before him though it was the first time that she had been the one to ask for a divorce and things looked different from this side. The sun was shining outside and she could feel its heat on her nape; a sort of comforting embrace that made her forget about the coldness of the jail and the sharpness of the situation. Karen looked around her and smiled bitterly before leaving the place, passing next to the guard.

She was putting an end to a relationship but there wasn't even melancholy left; not an ounce of nostalgia. The door got closed behind her; she turned and waved good-bye to Stan. They had never found the right way that would lead to a proper end when sadness joins some tears and it's over now.

"What do you want to do?"

She shrugged, taking Will's hand in hers. Her high heels were sounding loud in the silence of the federal prison, like a hammer hitting a piece of wood somewhere in the background. She winced, trying to ignore a shooting headache. "It's like to be born for the second time…" The weirdness of her sensations wrapped her voice in a whisper of words; soft realizations about her own reactions. "Just take me away from here, honey. I need fresh air, the noise of the streets and the fuzziness of the crowd. I need smells, colors, shadows reflected on the asphalt and yellow cabs. I need New York and your hand against mine, like now. And then I know that I will feel alive." She stopped in the middle of a dark corridor and faced Will. She frowned and bit her lower lip with pleading eyes. Her heart was aching too now. "Just take me away with you in your life."

She liked dramas as a passed time when it was raining outside and that there was nothing to watch on television. It wasn't really funny because of this awful sensation of ridiculousness but still, time seemed to speed up its pace and you felt less lonely. The problem was when those arguments reached the seriousness of her existence. She had lost a lot in the past because of them and as much as she would deny it, she was just scared to live it all again. That's why she had difficulties to deal with anger and disappointment. She used to stay quiet, for a couple of seconds, before escaping from it thanks to helpless stratagems and childish whims.

Since the day she had kissed Will and made it clear about their relationship to everyone, she had begun to look at Jack and Grace differently; with a sincere respect for the people they were and a bit of admiration perhaps. The way they had accepted it without ever protesting about their lies and secrecy had touched her more than what they could even think. She may have stayed quiet, vaguely smiling, though deep inside herself, their supportive behavior had warmed up her fragile heart with a soft motion of love she had been looking for since she had been old enough to have some dreams.

Sat on the edge of the mattress and thinking about it, Karen's face lit up, her eyes lost in the contemplation of Grace's comings and goings; making room for her things. Her suitcases and bags were next to her feet, waiting sagely for the next move that would settle their life with Will.

"His closet is big, you're lucky. However this room is so gloomy… Thank God now we have a good excuse to get a feminine touch over it. It has to symbolize the both of you; with neutral colors that both sexes appreciate but nothing too girlie either. Perhaps some flowers on the chest of drawers… Did he make some room there for you? Yes he did, perfect! Now which side of the bed is yours? The left one I suppose; women always choose the left one. "

Without moving, Karen followed Grace's excitement with amused eyes. Her friend had taken off for too long now to tell her that she didn't have any definite side or that she actually liked the decoration and the present colors because it represented Will and she felt like then that she belonged to him. She gasped, surprised, when her friend unzipped one of her bags and proceeded to fold her underwear in the three drawers left for her. She frowned under such weird behavior but nonetheless let her do it, finally laying down on her back, looking at the ceiling; a hand on her stomach. _And now?_

"I follow the Moskva, down to Gorky Park, listening to the wind of change… An August summer night, soldiers passing by, listening to the wind of change… Take me to the magic of the moment of this glory night and the children of tomorrow dream away in the wind of change…"

Focalized on Karen's clothes, Grace didn't even notice that her friend had begun to sing but the melody had nonetheless come to her mind and she was now humming along, completely unaware of what was happening. Will appeared on the door frame but stopped there, astonished in front of the sweet chaos taking place in the bedroom: both women were singing an old tune of The Scorpions, Grace moving from a bag to another while Karen was laid on the bed like a teenager a bit stone after having smoked pot, staring blankly at the ceiling. He turned around and left as the chorus sounded loud behind.

"Take me to the magic of the moment of this glory night and the children of tomorrow share their dreams with you and me…"


	13. Who am I supposed to be?

It was just a couple of words left on the answering machine but they had set off a whole series of memories and a weird sensation that she'd better keep it to herself. As much as her mind shouted out loud that she should ignore it, her heart was dying for the exact opposite and after a few seconds of hesitation, she nodded and settled down her choice, in silence. The voice was clear, almost warm and soft in the deserted flat; too short though, that it had resulted enough and she let it go carelessly. She grabbed a sheet of paper from her purse and wrote down the phone number in a furtive gesture, a nervous one. What if someone rushed in at this exact moment and caught her doing that? She rolled her eyes, exasperated by her own wonders and in a fist of anger, deleted the message as if nothing had happened. Will came back with Grace from the deli; she smiled to prevent from bursting into tears. She hated doing that but life wasn't always easy and Karen just couldn't tell them everything.

"Where is your wedding ring or at least an engagement one? Oh you got a divorce from Stanley? So who is the next one or better said, how much money? Where is your new penthouse? By The Upper West Side, I assume you mean Central Park West? Oh…Really? Isn't it too difficult to live more than two blocks away from Barney's? When did you move? Oh… I see."

And she kept on smiling politely, her heart aching for loving her so much in spite of all these words she didn't hesitate to throw into her face; every sound hitting more and more violently. She stayed still on her chair, clutching an empty glass of martini where the ice cubes seemed to look for support in the transparency of their life. She felt like them somehow, her lips weighing a lot under the ridiculousness of her sentiment of guilt. _She's everything to me; too much perhaps and I'm so sorry. _

"Let me tell you something, Karen. You surprise me a lot. I would have never imagined that you would go through another teenage crisis but maybe it's only the way you're supposed to be. Your single interest goes into money and will always do. You need to feel it under all its forms: expensive clothes, precious stones, shoes, private jets and weekends to The Bahamas. You want to be powerful and control everything, everyone, you're ambitious and I could almost admire you for that… Or at least be proud, I'm not sure. You only live while being the center of attention, no matters how harsh you can be. Your maids, your numerous marriages, the limousines, all these things symbolize to perfection the person you have to be even though it's only about pretending. Who cares, after all? Since when do you flirt with feelings and fade statements as common as what you just said to me? Wake up and get a drink, you can't escape from your own destiny. It may sound fun now to try new things but come on… Who are you fooling? When was the last time that you popped up some pills and spent the whole day in your typical fuzziness? Booze, bills, drugs and vulgarity, that's who you really are; a cold hearted bitch. You were born for it and damn you're pretty good at it too. Look at me, Karen! Look what you did to me."

She didn't hail a cab and walked up to Riverside Drive looking blankly at the streets, her high heels guiding her through the crowd she barely could see. Her heart sounded loud, resounding in her head and shaking her wonders lit up by bitter feelings. She closed the door behind her and threw her purse on the couch, heading straight to the kitchen.

"Oh…"

She realized that Grace was waiting for her at the office for the rest of the afternoon. She shrugged. After all it wouldn't be the first time she would get other plans and decide not to come back. She grabbed a bottle of vodka and lit a cigarette, the bewitching smell invading her lungs as by magic. It was comforting. Her cell phone rang, she looked at the ID: Grace. She sighed and went on the terrace, her tongue playing with the filter of the cig.

"I don't give a shit, Gracie. Leave me alone."

The pills fell on her palm like gunshots passing underneath her skin but their pale colors seemed inoffensive if not reassuring and she gulped them down quickly before leaning on the wall and thinking about nothing. The alcohol burnt her throat and she smiled under the unique feeling, alternating her sipping and the cigs. Following her own logic, she stared at her arms and frowned pissed off by the scars reflected on her skin. As old as they were if not completely gone, she still could see them clearly and feel all their meanings. Her fingers caressed the largest one, from her elbow to her mid-arm. Some days it seemed they were hurting under the reminiscence of their difficult patches and a respective disappointment which fairness still had to be determined to be completely honest. She had learned to live with these prints from the past but as soon as she met her it set off everything and her scars were burning.

The crash pierced the silence of the afternoon, a million of little diamonds coming to litter the floor of the terrace to her feet. She squatted down and looked blankly at the broken bottle she had thrown against the wall by anger or fatigue; a permanent state of confusion between her mind and reality. She grabbed a piece of glass and without thinking twice, passed it slowly on her arm like when she was fourteen. The warmness of her blood began to run down, tracing haphazardly a red path to her hand and very soon she kissed her wound; her lips absorbing the liquid as her tongue caressed the sore, vaguely hurting. She cleaned up everything but never felt relieved though. Curiously nothing had changed finally, after all these years. They were back to the beginning; Gin manipulated her and Karen just nodded to her sister, accepting to carry on the guilt.

The hours had probably passed by quicker than she had thought because not long after Will arrived. He kissed her temple and went to the kitchen for a snack. She stayed still, quiet, in front of the fireplace; looking blankly at her reflection in the mirror above.

"Guess who I met today! You'll never believe it."

She shrugged but didn't listen to the answer. _Who am I supposed to be? _She frowned and plunged her eyes in the mirror, pleading for an answer to a mere figure. _I don't want to hurt Will. I don't want to hurt Grace or Jack. And I don't want to get hurt one more time._


	14. Anna

A month of doubts and disillusions followed Gin's sudden comeback into Karen's new life. Her mind seemed to have taken some distance with the rest of her body, hiding to perfection the anxious wonders that made her heart speed up its pace as soon as her confusion reached an extreme stage. She kept on learning about Will, building with him this weird relationship with the dreadful feeling that it may only be a whim and that one day she would wake up and realize that she had nothing to do with him; or vice-versa and it was frightening. She had come to this point when there wasn't any distinction left and spending an hour in front of the mirror, looking at her own reflection, didn't change anything; didn't bring a solution to her blank gaze and loss of identity.

She never argued with Will as if they had settled down an implicit agreement since the day they had kissed and for someone who had only lived tumultuous relationships until now, it added to her incapacity to see the whole situation straight. It was strangely disturbing. They kept alive the teasing games, feeding themselves with each other's words and their hidden sweetness, the real care. She criticized Grace's wardrobe with the same sharpness as a columnist from The New York Times and she couldn't help but smile brightly whenever she was with Jack, going silly. Sometimes she came to think that nothing had changed apart from her hand holding Will's one or a furtive glance whispering silently the typical intimacy shared by lovers. It lasted a couple of seconds and life went on as it had always done. Stanley had been released and was dating now another woman almost as vulgar as her according to Beverly Leslie. She hadn't drawn a line under everything but a natural compromise seemed to have imposed itself. She just didn't know if it was a permanent one or if it could be what she was looking for as a matter of fact.

Her frustration was growing of the lack of answers and Karen lamented it, missing the fusion and sweetness that she had managed to feel in February, before she met Gin. She focalized way too much on the reasons of her acts and couldn't enjoy them at the most anymore, unable to confess it to anyone. Her relationship was evolving but she felt like she had been left behind and was looking at it passively. She didn't like it.

She took a deep breath and tried to control the wave of nausea running through her body. Her state of sickness seemed to get strength and it was more and more difficult for her to fight against it. At the beginning she had thought that the headaches and the tension of her stomach were caused by some hormonal trick but the symptoms remained even after it. Her worries had taken possession of her brain and controlled her whole body; it was exhausting. She grabbed her glass of wine and sipped it. She made a face; even alcohol was disgusting. The evening was going smoothly and she was doing her best to take part in it, summoning up the energy left to pretend she was okay but her bones were aching and even breathing was getting complicated. She passed a hand under the table and squeezed Will's knee softly, looking for reassurance; obsessed by a solution that would relieve her anxiety. It didn't work at all, she was feeling dizzy. She looked down at her plate and moaned, passing a hand through her hair, frowning.

"Are you feeling fine, Karen? You're very pale."

She nodded and smiled weakly at Grace. Her last gesture had obviously worried the whole table because now three pairs of eyes were looking at her with confusion.

"I'm just a bit tired…" She leaned over the table and grabbed the edge of it as her vision got blurry and the room started spinning around. Will caught her within a second, holding her arms tightly. She shook her head before shrugging. "It's okay, I'm okay. Lets just go on, kiddies."

She felt Will's hand slide on hers as if cotton had just been crushed by a very firm material. He frowned. "Karen, your hand is moist and icy. Look at you, you're sweating."

She pushed his hand away when he tried to touch her forehead and she made a face, passing her tongue over her dry lips.

"Karen…"

"Yeah I know my name Wilma. Stop that please."

"You have temperature, I think you're sick. Come on, let's go to bed, you need some rest."

The last thing she remembered was her fighting with the nothingness of the air but in theory with Will, refusing to move from the table. All of a sudden she felt like she was taking off and the vision of the living room went away as a pair of arms led her to the bed. The contact with the mattress reached the apogee of her bad trip and then it turned all dark. She vaguely noticed the scientist's presence at one moment before heading back to a heavy loss of control and she woke up a day and a half later when the sun warmed up her cheeks. With difficulty she leaned up on her elbows and scanned the room, unable to say if it was the morning or the afternoon. She was alone. She opened her mouth to speak, filled her lungs with some air and the tears welled up in her eyes when she tried to call Will. Her throat was burning, blocking the way to any kind of sound. Sobbing under the unexpected pain, she turned on her side to get up but only managed to make a bottle of water fall down.

"Hey… Look who is back from Sleepy Land!"

Karen turned and looked at Will. He was standing on the doorframe, smiling shyly. Learning her lesson she didn't try to speak this time, just vaguely motioned her throat and shook her head, asking silently for an explanation. Will came and squatted down on her side, caressing her cheek.

"Don't be worried, it's just a severe angina but within two weeks you should be back to normal. You have antibiotics."

Karen made a face and rolled her eyes. She had always hated being sick and as much as being mute was new, she was already sure that she wouldn't like it either. The days passed by, alternating Grace and Jack's visits with Will's almost permanent presence on her side. The fact she couldn't speak but just observed the scenes only got her wonders stronger about the real nature of their relationship. He never stopped being attentive and kind, patient and sweet. Her sickness had plunged her into a dry lethargy, emphasizing some childish needs but he didn't protest and spent all his time taking her in his arms, doing his best to make the situation bearable. And she was touched but even more confused.

"Cute."

Karen motioned a picture of some male model in a magazine to Will to complete her whisper. She had stayed in bed for a week now and was still feeling weak. Her fingers followed the figure of the guy and she smirked at Will who was holding her tight in his arms. He nodded.

"I wouldn't mind to have to look after his perfect ass."

For a couple of seconds the dark-haired woman stayed quiet, troubled by Will's statement but she finally burst out laughing, silently. She was living the craziest relationship that she had ever imagined. That was the first time she shared physical attraction for a third person with a partner and it was sweet; oddly sweet. A wave of warmness ran through her body and she gave up the magazine, turning towards Will to kiss him softly though the urge emerging from her heart led them further than what they were expecting. They made love that afternoon under the silence of her sore throat and the sincerity of their smiles. She couldn't say if it were the antibiotics and her permanent dizziness but Karen felt like she was heading back to the sensations of the beginning in February, forgetting about her permanent worries; a sweet realization that she really liked it.

She winced under the bright light of the sun but didn't move and kept on looking by the window; a hand over her head leaned against a pillow. She wasn't smiling but her features seemed light, lit up by the quietness of her soul. Will's gaze followed the figure of her body from her head to her chest covered by the blanket of the bed. She was still naked but didn't seem to care in spite of her sickness. She looked like she was fine; relieved somehow.

"You look like Anna."

She turned and frowned at him, taken aback by his comment. Guessing her reaction, Will just went on.

"Four years ago you invited us at the manse. At one moment Jack grabbed a picture and asked who the woman was on it. You told us it was your grandmother, Anna. She was sat on a sofa, looking peacefully by the window. You said she was a ballet dancer in Russia and died when you were five. You started dance lessons for this woman whom you had never had the chance to meet because this picture got you fascinated, for some reason."

Karen was looking at Will in disbelief, astonished he could remember that while she had almost forgotten about it. He came closer to her, his hand sliding on her bare stomach as the other passed through her hair; he smiled.

"You have a lot in common with Anna. You have the same grace, the same delicate features. I don't know why you stopped dancing but even though you don't belong to a Russian ballet, I'm sure you made her proud of you somehow. And you fascinate me as Anna did with you in the past; for some mysterious reason."

She had locked her eyes with his all along his words; those unexpected but so honest sentences that had sounded soft in the flat. And when Will stopped speaking, a smile substituting his voice, Karen knew that it wasn't a whim. She was in love with Will. _For some mysterious reason, Gin._


	15. It's all about sharing

She grabbed a woollen scarf and wrapped it around her neck. Her angina had gone but she was still feeling weak. She put on her coat and headed to the living. Grace was reading a magazine chewing away at some cookie; she turned and smiled at Karen before standing up. Both friends had decided to spend the afternoon together as Will was off to New Jersey for a case and Jack was auditioning for an Off Broadway production. After three weeks trapped into the flat, Karen was looking forward to going outside and breathing the air coming straight from the tail pipes. She had missed New York a lot and a wave of impatience was growing in her body now, going from her head to her feet. She felt like walking.

"Okay, I'm ready, honey. Let's go!"

She made a face and cleared her voice. She was speaking with a very low tone that didn't match at all with her usual little shrieking. Grace laughed at the unexpected sound and shook her head. The spring was showing more and more lately, the sun warming up the cheeks through a pleasant embrace while a light breeze was caressing the hair, filling the lungs with strength. They walked in silence until they reached the gates of Central Park and vanished on a path under the trees in full blossom. Children were running through the grass, nannies looking after toddlers and teenagers chatting hysterically, sat on the wooden benches. They turned on their left before finding available seats opposite a couple of high school pupils making out on the ground, leaned against a trunk. Karen smiled then rolled her eyes.

"Get a room, please!" Of course her whisper never got heard by the boy and the girl but Grace laughed for a couple of seconds.

"Why do you never kiss?"

Karen frowned and looked at her friend, a bit confused by her question.

"What do you mean?"

"Why do Will and you never kiss when we're there, with Jack?"

The dark-haired woman had been taken aback not by the eventual audacity of the question but by the fact it had never crossed her mind. She plunged into her memories and realized that Grace was right. Apart from holding hands and settling in each other's arms, they stayed very quiet, almost shy, about their new intimacy. Her lips moved in silence for a moment, waiting for the right words; the explanation to something she had never noticed before. She finally shrugged.

"I don't know. I really don't know, Grace. We don't do it on purpose. Perhaps we just don't want to bother you with that or make you uncomfortable, subconsciously though."

"I wouldn't mind, Karen. The whole situation is still a bit strange, yes, but…" She looked aside, smiling peacefully. "You're pretty cute together. This is so odd."

Karen's cell phone rang at this exact moment, making both women jump in surprise; the sweet previous confession plunging them into some dizzy lethargy. She looked at the screen, it was Will.

Grace's words made their way through her mind, spinning around over and over. Without coming to any clear conclusion, Karen nonetheless settled down her opinion basing it on all the previous events, the whole series of doubts and the unexpected turn that her heart had chosen. Things were going slowly and they needed it to learn about each other, about the new kind of relationship they were heading to. She didn't have an answer for everything. Actually she barely knew what would happen in the next hours, how she would feel about Will's arms around her own body. She just could say that for the moment, she didn't regret it.

She took off her high heels, giving them up on the couch. Trying to make less noise possible, she headed barefoot to the kitchen, wrapping her arms around Will's waist when she finally reached him. He turned to look at her while she was kissing his neck. She smiled, plunging her eyes in his, a hand wandering through his hair. She moulded her body against his, her knee brushing his inner thigh playfully.

"Kiss me, Will."

Her tongue caressed his lips before getting lost against his teeth and she captured his smile in a sensual kiss. It was how they used to work together, how she saw it; a sort of ocean of feelings with waves coming and going permanently, brushing the edge of a paroxysm that seemed to tend towards idealism. She tightened her grip on him, looking for the best way to get into his veins, passing underneath his skin and reaching his heart where she would stay as long as possible, lost in a daydream. They tried to move towards a more comfortable place but she bumped into the counter and settled down there, sitting on it; wrapping her legs around his waist. A wave of well-being ran through her body and she closed her eyes, abandoning herself to his soft kisses. _You told me once that you could see children in our house. I can hear their laughs now. I can picture you there, holding a baby in your arms and I can feel this warmness invading my heart. I love you Will and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. This is an old dream of mine; the only one as a matter of fact. Tell me you can see it. _Their breaths became louder as their gestures followed an instinctive boldness controlled by their feelings and Karen kept on smiling all along; blinded by the sweetness of their relationship. Arching her back she grabbed his neck and kissed his ear, accompanying his last movements.

"Marry me, Will."

The words escaped all of a sudden, coming from nowhere but the depths of her heart; the exact same place where her emotions grew and made sense. They stayed still, breathless. She could feel all his weight on her and the surprise on his face; hidden behind her hair. For a couple of seconds she looked blankly at the ceiling, her hand resting on his lower back. Her brain was in turmoil, her cells analyzing the reason why she had dared to speak and ask him that.

"Karen?"

"Will?"

She bit her lip and looked aside. The exhilaration of her courage seemed to have vanished all of a sudden, contaminating his own mind. She didn't move, nor him. _Oh God… What have I done?_

"Karen, sweetie… Look at me."

She made a face and waited for his hands to grab her neck, forcing her to look at him. Very slowly her eyes went up his chest, his chin, his lips. She found his brown gaze and swallowed hard. Her heartbeats speeded up and she felt dizzy.

"You proposed me?"

She raised her eyebrows but didn't find anything to say; didn't dare to. How could she manage to think in such situation while her legs were still wrapped around him and the only thing that came to her mind was the heat of his body in her own one? She looked down, frustrated; sadness substituting all the rest, her incapacity to assume everything.

"Karen…"

She shrugged, swallowing back her tears. "It was just an old dream of mine, honey. It's okay. You don't have to share it with me."

Her eyes followed his finger caressing her cheek, passing by her lips and getting lost in her hair.

"But I want to, Karen."

He had taken his time before letting the words fill the silence of the flat; his voice was sure, full of self-confidence and honesty, an ounce of emotion showing and getting mixed with her own fears. She looked up at him.

"Then marry me, honey."

"I will."

She gasped, vaguely realizing the significance of the situation before a wave of tears falling down on her cheeks and Will leaned over to capture every single one through a kiss


	16. Some words will remain, others will fade

Like feelings, some words would remain while others would fade before vanishing from their minds and getting lost into a past despair. She smiled at Will through the mirror, her eyes kissing his soul as the beats of her own heart sped up their pace. She leaned her head backwards, coming to rest on his bare shoulder when he wrapped his arms around her naked waist, from behind. The touch of his fingers on her skin stirred up shivering desires from her whole body and Karen slowly succumbed to his kisses. _The strangeness of our life is the sweetest emotion that you could bring to my mind; to my heart. I love you, Will. I love you more than you can ever imagine._ Abdicating to his implicit wishes, she finally turned around and captured his lips with hers, sliding down on the floor, moaning in his mouth.

"We're going to get married."

Hand in hand they stared at Jack and Grace, anxiously waiting for their reactions; dreading they could eventually not understand. The waiter arrived but Karen shook her head, motioning quietly that they hadn't chosen yet. Her gaze fell on her fingers intertwined with Will's ones over the white linen tablecloth. She liked the shapes of the fusion, how her index seemed to disappear somewhere underneath his skin with a disturbing logic. It reminded her of Rodin's sculptures and the genius of the artist who managed to give life to the purest marble from Carrera and all of a sudden the statue seemed to move, and breathe. It was exactly the same with Will. Grace's voice made her come back to reality.

"Oh my God, when did you propose her, Will?"

"Actually she proposed me."

Jack giggled. "You're such a big queen, Will. So when and how did you propose him, Karen?"

The dark-haired woman cleared her voice and moved nervously on her chair. Trying to ignore the blush on her cheeks, she shrugged, playing with her glass of martini as the whole scene was being played again in her head. "It was… Hum… It was in the kitchen."

"The kitchen? You, Karen, proposed someone in a kitchen? Hello… Who are you?"

Karen made a face at Grace. "I haven't said that I was cooking."

"Yes obviously you were drinking but still."

Karen couldn't help but scoff. "I wasn't drinking! I never have a drink when we're having…"

Grace shook her head, confused by the embarrassment of her friend. This kind of behavior was rare, if not inexistent for Karen. "Damn but what were you doing in the kitchen that you can't tell us?" All of a sudden Grace shrieked, taken away by the relevant idea forming into her head. "Oh god you have sex in the kitchen now?"

Her loud voice made the whole restaurant turn around and stare at their table in disbelief. Karen looked down, her face lost in her hands while Will was smiling forcefully to the unexpected audience. He locked his eyes with the red-haired woman's ones.

"I think you should say it even louder. I'm not sure they heard you in Alaska!"

She burst out laughing, trapped in his embrace. Instinctively her hands grabbed his arms but he was definitely too strong to get some hope about an eventual release. She closed her eyes, blinded by the sun and began to fight for an escape in a last attempt; vain obviously. She could hear Grace and Jack in the background, giggling; and the movements of their bodies in the sea. All of a sudden her legs took off as the coolness of the air brushed her skin and she prepared herself for an imminent crash in the deep waters of The Caribbean. She got swallowed softly by a warm liquid before emerging to the surface, breathless. Will was standing on the deck, smirking. She turned around and joined Grace who was swimming next to her, sunglasses on. Both friends came back towards the yacht and Karen shook her head at Will as he was heading to them.

"How is our little mermaid?"

"You're a jerk, Will." She made a face then kissed his lips softly. "I love you, honey."

She found again the firmness of the deck and grabbed a bath towel; the cotton caressing her body over her black bikini with the same softness as her father's kisses. She smiled at Jack who had also made his way back to the yacht and they sat down, looking at Will and Grace playing in the sea. She couldn't really explain her odd affection for ships that she had developed since the beginning of her relationship with Will but she was enjoying their vacations in the islands. She looked down and sighed peacefully; she could thank Stanley for it, after all they wouldn't be there if her ex-husband hadn't offered her a whole week on his yacht to celebrate her engagement. She had been touched, and surprised; even though at the end, she had always known that Stanley was nice. Let's just say it was fair play; extremely fair play.

"Are you scared, Karen?"

She shrugged, fingering her towel absent-mindedly, her gaze lost behind a pair of sunglasses. She smiled as Jack's hand came to rest over hers and she looked at him.

"I don't really know. This is just so crazy, honey." She bit her lower lip and turned back towards Will, observing him carefully; lovingly.

"You're going to get married to Will."

She laughed and nodded. "I know! This is so odd and it's going so quickly."

Nobody would have noticed any change in her tone but Jack knew her to perfection and he didn't miss out the light emotion showing through her words. He tightened his grip on her hand.

"Too quickly?"

Karen sighed, frowning. She looked up at the sky and followed a seagull that was tracing through the clouds. She took off her sunglasses, putting them on her head and locked her eyes with her friend's ones; wincing under the brightness of the sunlight.

"Yes, honey. But I love it and I know it's all safe with Will."

"Take care of him, Karen. He's important to me."

She would never forget this week and like a photo album passing through her head, she would keep in mind a thousand things; the warmness of the sun on her body, the smell of lotion and their constant laughs, they sounded relieved. She would remember the sweet mornings when she woke up in Will's arms and they stayed silent, looking at the sea, before their tenderness leading them to the supreme stage of their intimacy in a wave of smiles and hope; full of dreams. She would engrave in her heart the softness of his skin and the unique shade of his eyes when she looked at him; her fingers sliding down along his spine, her palm resting on his lower back. And she would always smile while thinking about his breath embracing her neck when his head rested on her bare shoulder and both their foreheads were leaned against each other. She held him tightly by then, almost like a child we want to reassure and comfort. Her legs got intertwined with his and they slowly fell asleep, the weight of his body on hers; rocked by the permanent movement of the waves. She loved feeling him against her in the quietness of the sea, a light breeze embracing their smiles.

Yes, it would only be about sweet memories.


	17. I'm so scared

The baby giggled and Karen smiled, biting her lower lip as a wave of happiness took possession of her heart. The summer had finally arrived at the same time as long and warm afternoons spent in the park under the shadows of the trees, the smell of the flowers. The grass was green and cool, contrasting with the whiteness of their clothes; the cotton dress of her child. She laid down and turned on her side, tickling her daughter's little stomach, laughing lightly together as if there were nothing less simple and beautiful in her existence than the sweetness of those moments. And she was right. She calmed down slowly, succumbing to Will's arms as he came to rest on her back, hugging her tightly. Her fingers slid along the baby's little palms and she caressed her cheek lovingly; with care. The dark-haired woman had given birth to a healthy girl called Bella five months earlier and since that day so many things had changed. It seemed her insecurities had gone away and for the very first time she was able to enjoy her life. Holding her daughter's hand she turned and looked at Will, a bright smile lighting up her face.

"She's beautiful, isn't she?" _Our baby…_

Her blood became icy within a second when, while turning her attention back to the baby, she only faced the nothingness of the air; an empty place on the grass. The baby had disappeared in spite of her own fingers clutched to her daughter's ones. Karen froze before a wave of panic invading her mind, getting her lips so dry. Her breath got louder and louder as the minutes were passing by and she just couldn't move; couldn't say anything. For some obscure reasons she didn't dare to look back at Will, feeling guilty for the loss of their baby. She opened her mouth to speak, to protest in front of such injustice but she only managed to burst into tears. She was sure that Bella had been killed by Karen's own body.

She gasped and opened her eyes widely in the darkness of the room; sweating and breathing loudly. She swallowed hard and stayed still for a few seconds, clutched to her pillow, turning her back at Will. She was staring blankly at the window and the pale lights of the buildings glimmering in the night of New York City.

"Are you okay, Karen?"

She nodded at Will's whisper before sitting up slowly; leaning her head backwards in a last attempt to come back definitely to reality. She felt his hand on her wrist, warm and soft against her shivering skin.

"You had this nightmare again?"

She vaguely moaned and stood up, heading out their bedroom. "I need a glass of water."

For a couple of weeks now her sleep had been disturbed by the dream of a loss and the tragedy of her soul. She had been safe for quite a while as a matter of fact, even thought it was over but it had finally come back; again. And even if the nightmare had become more than familiar to her through the years, she was still unable to face it correctly and simply ignore it. Her emotions seemed to get stronger and stronger as time was passing by. She closed her eyes and let the coolness of the water ease her fear. They had spoken a lot about babies lately; implicitly or not. Her wedding, some sweet fantasies, Grace and Jack's wonders… Everyone was thinking about an eventual pregnancy and the nightmare had started all over again in the quietness of the night; the secret of her mind.

Three days later the harsh reality came to highlight her uneasiness when Will and Grace decided to baby sit Lea, Rob and Ellen's daughter. The little girl was still a baby. She would turn seven months within a week and Karen couldn't help but think about this child she was losing night after night in the craziness of her head. She stayed distant the whole afternoon, looking from the couch of the television area how Grace and Will were playing with the toddler. She didn't get any remark about her cold behavior; after all she had always been like that and people only concluded that she wasn't comfortable when it came to babies. They weren't wrong somehow. She didn't want to try anything, she knew she didn't have to or she could regret it. _Maternal feelings aren't made for me, that's all. I can't have them, I'm not allowed to._

Around 5pm Will made his way to the couch she was sat on, feigning to be plunged in some novel she had actually just picked up from the shelves. She looked up at him and smiled. He was holding Lea in his arms.

"Hum… Karen, would you mind to look after Lea for ten minutes or so? Grace and I have a neighbor thing emergency on fourth floor. It wouldn't last too long."

Her first reaction was to frown and bit her lower lip in confusion; a wave of anxiety taking possession of her heart. But very soon she managed to put it into perspective and so she finally nodded. She hadn't paid attention to the baby until now; she could at least do it for ten minutes. It wouldn't be too hard. The door got closed and she turned around, facing Lea who was playing on the floor. She sat down next to the baby carefully and looked at her, smiling nervously. Without any particular reason the toddler began to cry and Karen freaked out, looking for help all around. When the evidence shouted out loud that she was alone and had to resolve the problem by herself, she took Lea in her arms and rocked her peacefully. Karen observed her delicate features, her fine lips. She couldn't help but smile and subconsciously she started humming a lullaby. When Will and Grace came back, they found Karen speaking softly to their friends' daughter, hugging her tight. The baby was giggling and they couldn't help but think that Karen looked happy. They didn't say anything, just smiled then cleared their voice so that the dark-haired woman realized they were back. Karen stood up and gave the baby to Grace before heading to the couch and plunging back in her novel.

Life went on and the nightmares became more and more frequent, preventing her from getting enough sleep; the days turning into an unbearable wait before the night falling down and she headed back to her fears; the strength of her anxiety. She closed the door of the bathroom and sat down against it, swallowing back her sobs. It was very early in the morning and she had just lost another baby; in her dreams. She jumped when Will knocked.

"Karen… Honey, are you okay?"

She took a deep breath to control her shaking voice but it didn't work that well. "Yes, I'm fine."

"Can I come in?"

She sighed but moved on her side and let Will open the door. He sat down next to her, caressing her cheek. Her eyes moved from the floor to his gaze; she smiled at him weakly.

"Karen, what's happening? You know you can tell me about it; about everything. What are those nightmares about?"

She bit her lower lip, feeling the urge to confess her fears and relieve her heart from this weight. But the words stayed trapped, unable to make their way out. She frowned, closing her eyes to keep her tears inside.

"Do you want to tell me about it, Karen?"

Leaning her forehead against her palm she locked her wet eyes with his and nodded silently. Her heart was asking for a relief but she didn't manage to get it.

"But you can't tell it?"

She shook her head then burst into tears. Will took her in his arms immediately, rubbing her back to ease her pain.

"It's okay, Karen. Take your time. I will always be there. Maybe you're not ready yet."

Two other weeks passed by before Karen finally deciding to make a step forward. It wasn't easy at all because she had never talked about it; as if while coming out, the words would settle down something she just tried to ignore to keep on living. But Will's behavior reassured her frightened soul. His permanent sweetness seemed to ease a lot her mind but nonetheless he never pushed her too far; just waited patiently that it came by itself; when Karen reached the irrepressible need to confess everything.

"Do you know what DES is, Will?"

She frowned, twisting her hands nervously as they were both sat on the couch one evening. She looked aside, avoiding Will's gaze shyly. Taken aback by the sudden question, he shook his head.

"No, I don't. What is it?"

"DES is for Diethylstilbestrol. It was used as an estrogen-replacement therapy from 1938 to 1971. Pregnant women took it to prevent from miscarriages and other problems but very soon scientists noticed various sequels on the baby girls whose mothers had been prescribed DES. From GYN diseases, miscarriages, infertility to cancer the list is very long…"

Will had stayed quiet all along Karen's explanation, listening with attention to her but the word "cancer" hit his mind and he couldn't help but gasp. Feeling a wave of ice stopping by his heart, he took Karen's hands into his own ones, shaking nervously.

"Karen, are you sick?"

She shook her head, trying to control the emotions that such confession was setting off in her heart.

"I don't have a cancer, Will."

He sighed, relieved, as Karen cleared her voice and looked at him, frowning under the tears that only asked to well up in her eyes.

"But my mother took DES when she was expecting me."

For a minute or so they stayed silent; Karen waiting for Will's reaction as he was just scanning the information he had been given. He passed his tongue on his lips.

"Do you have any disease?"

Karen shook her head, she was feeling too light; too weak.

"What did your GYN say about it? I mean… I assume you had tests and all?"

"I never told her about it. I… I never told it to anyone."

"But… Do you think you have some problems? Are all the girls…"

"DES girls they are called."

"DES girls always have problems?"

"No but… I'm not on the pill anymore, Will. It's been a very long time; perhaps six years or so. Even before Stanley, with my first husband I had stopped taking it."

"And you didn't have any baby."

This time she burst into tears and rushed in Will's arms. She didn't feel relieved; just weak, lacking protection. She had lost her shield.

"I'm so scared, Will. I'm so scared. Don't leave me, please. I'm so sorry."

Will cupped her face with his hands and locked his eyes with hers. "I won't go anywhere without you, Karen. You can trust me. Do you trust me?" She nodded. "We will go through it together, don't be worried." He kissed her forehead and hugged her again. "Don't be worried, little ruby. We will get it."


	18. My heart is crying for a happy end

She remembered science classes and all these drawings that sounded so far from her; mysterious forms supposed to represent her own body and the way everything worked in it. She still had in mind the fears of the first time and the interpretation of ever single whim from her anatomy; the anxious illusion that she might be expecting a baby, troubling her heart but keeping the doubt alive through thousands of conversations with the other girls. It was fascinating somehow. They weren't adults yet but the fantasy of motherhood sounded appealing; a dangerous wish. Karen looked around her before smiling bitterly. Perhaps all her teenage worries were not funded; pointless. She would never be able to have a baby. She grabbed Will's hand and tightened it silently, a wave of uneasiness taking possession of her mind. Three other couples were there, staring blankly in front of them like ghosts lost in the nets of time. She hoped she didn't look like them. She looked down at the pile of magazines resting on the coffee table: parental advices, medical publications and an old issue of Vogue. She brushed the fashion magazine but didn't take it; it wasn't the right time for some futilities.

"Karen Delaney?"

She jumped when the assistant called her name and nodded quietly.

"The Doctor Flickwood is waiting for you. Would you please follow me?"

Will tightened her hand and they both stood up, leaving the waiting room. The anxiety of her heart seemed to resound in the awkwardness of her steps; she had never been so scared, so lost and weak in front of her life. The office of Amanda Flickwood was large and clear. Situated on the third floor of a townhouse of The West Village, the decoration had been studied with attention so that the slightest detail gave a friendly touch to the place; reassuring as much as possible for the numerous women the DES specialist received all along the year. The blond woman flashed a bright smile and motioned the seats in front of her; Karen's file resting, opened, on her desk. Karen took a deep breath and tried to relax, ignoring the tension of her muscles and the subtle headache growing silently.

Her voice was soft and warm; comforting. Her delicate features emphasized the youth of her face while her sentences, clear and concise, were enough to let her audience understand about the professionalism that highlighted her reputation. She spoke with this self-confidence typical from those shy girls; brilliant students who would succeed in the shadows of popularity without caring at all about it. They were smart and trustful. Karen bit her lower lip in a nostalgic gesture. She would have loved belonging to their group but she had chosen the easiest one and couldn't go back. After a realistic explanation of DES and its sequels, Amanda went back to the opened file on her desk and began the whole series of questions; regular ones when it came to new patients. Will was listening patiently to both women talking about an unknown world for him; terms he had already heard about but couldn't help feeling that he was left aside for not experiencing any of them.

"Have you ever suffered from miscarriage?"

"Yes, I have."

Will didn't say a word but looked up suddenly, taken aback by Karen's confession. Instinctively he tightened her hand; her fingers pressed his softly. She was cold and scared, like him.

"How many and at which stage?"

"I had five; eight weeks, five weeks, twelve weeks, seven weeks and twenty-five weeks."

"When was the last one?"

"Four years ago."

"Did you or your partners get fertility test?"

"No, we didn't but they had had children from previous marriages."

Her voice had sounded low and weak in spite of her numerous efforts to pretend she could face her problems wisely. She was failing but somehow she was glad that it was Will who was witnessing it. She looked at him shyly, almost ashamed of being there and telling such things in front of him. She knew she didn't have to but still, she couldn't help but feel guilty for those miscarriages.

"Okay so now we're going to head for a check up. I will give the results to you right after it but I would like you to come back for a hysterography because of your past miscarriages. This exam is perfectly easy and quick; very effective too. I will tell you more about it, don't be worried."

Karen nodded, a sentiment of emptiness invading her soul. She didn't feel weak anymore but unable to take care of herself; as if she needed assistance to keep on living because she wasn't mature enough to do it by herself. She hated it.

Will closed the door behind them and she sighed, sitting down on the couch awkwardly. The check up hadn't revealed anything but they still had to wait for further exams that might explain the reason of her numerous miscarriages. The fact she had been exposed to DES during her mother's nine-month pregnancy put her in the category of delicate patients; women who had to deal with care and unsure pregnancies. She leaned her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes; she was exhausted. The stress of the appointment seemed to have stolen all her energy and she could barely move now; unless she didn't want to. Will's arms were warm and soft, bringing her the urge of tenderness that the previous hours had set off in her heart. She settled her head on his lap and looked at him in silence while he was caressing her hair softly.

"Are you okay?"

She twisted her hands nervously, playing with the fine fabric of her shirt then shrugged. "I feel dirty." _And so guilty…_

"Do you want to take a bath? You need to relax, Karen."

She nodded and let Will lead her to the bathroom. The sweet smell of vanilla went to her head bewitchingly as he poured the soap on the hot water and her fingers followed the fusion of both liquids; a soft embrace around her skin. She smiled when his lips brushed her shoulder as he proceeded to take off her clothes; slowly, very slowly. The afternoon passed by through light kisses and delicate caresses in the silence of the flat and the heat of the bath. _I need love, Will. I need it more than anything._

She moaned of pleasure as the chocolate made contact with her tongue and the smooth cake released the subtle aroma of ginger in her mouth.

"Oh God, Karen is having an orgasm."

She made a face at Grace but giggled and rolled her eyes; this pastry was heaven. The restaurant was crowded and full of life; perfect to relax at the most after a stressful day of medical check ups. She had chosen this place for their impressive wine list but it looked like the pastry chef was able to produce some master pieces too. She was going silly with Jack, stealing food from Grace's plate, no matter how dangerous the sequels were going to be after she exposed herself to while doing that, and she didn't stop multiplying motions of love towards Will. For most of the people she seemed to be happy; light. Nobody would have guessed what she was going through in the darkness of her private life and the fears of her heart. She had refused to tell Grace and Jack, taking Will away in the honesty of her soul. He hadn't protested even though he would have preferred her to confess everything but he respected her and knew that she would end up coming up with it. When she felt like to; as she had done with him.

He burst out laughing at some silliness of hers, looking at her lovingly. He was so glad that she seemed so relieved; and happy to be alive, in spite of everything. It was like facing two Karen's during a single day and he didn't know what to think about it. He couldn't help but admire the courage she managed to carry on, all those problems she had faced on her own for so long; but the feigned detachment she was showing by moments made him shiver and be sad for her. She was good at pretending; too good actually. And Will was feeling guilty for not having been able to see earlier that she may have been asking for help; silently.


	19. It's time to breath and start living

"_Hysterosalpingography is used to determine if the fallopian tubes are open, or if there are apparent abnormalities or defects in the uterus. It can be used to detect tumors, scar tissue, or tears in the lining of the uterus. This procedure is often used to help diagnose infertility in women… Up to 30 of infertility are due to damage or blocked fallopian tubes… A catheter is inserted in the uterus through the cervix. A small balloon in the catheter is inflated to hold it in place. A liquid water-based or oil-based dye is then injected through the catheter into the uterus. This process can cause cramp, pain and uterine spasms… The procedure takes approximately 15-30 minutes… Sometimes the hysterosalpingography can be considered a treatment. The dye used can sometimes open up small blockages in the fallopian tubes. The need for additional test procedures or surgical treatments to deal with infertility should be discussed with the doctor…_"

Huddled up against herself on the armchair of the bedroom, Karen was reading for the thousandth time the procedure of the intervention that she would get within two hours now. And she was scared; by the pain, the eventual results that would settle down the rest of her life and the reason why she was born once. She took a deep breath, swallowing back her fears then stood up and left the flat with Will in an anxious silence. She stepped into the elevator and turned, looking blankly at the white door until it vanished from her eyes; a sentiment of melancholy invading her heart. When she came back a few hours later, she would know everything.

A bird passed through the blue sky, brushing the buildings majestically, its wings embracing the air like the subtle fusion of a natural chemistry. She sighed and turned her head towards Will, moving slightly on the bed of the clinic.

"You can't come with me, can you?"

Sat on the edge of a chair the heat of his hand came to rest over hers, trying to ease the immensity of her apprehension but there wasn't anything more complicated when you actually felt the same. His fingers slowly caressed her forehead as a sweet smile lit up his face.

"No, I'm not allowed to, Karen. I'm sorry. But I will stay here until you come back and I will do nothing but think about you in the meantime. I wish I could be next to you."

"It's not your fault, honey." She looked aside and shrugged, the tears making their way to her eyes. "That's life."

Will gave up the chair and sat down next to her on the bed, taking her in his arms; rubbing her back, kissing her head.

"Everything will be alright, Karen…"

The door opened and the nurse came in; it was time to go for the hysterography. Will stood up and looked at Karen passing in front of him, laid down on the metallic bed. He followed her to the door and kissed her lips softly before her vanishing in the corridors of the clinic.

"I love you, Wilma."

"I love you too, Drunkella."

Karen got released an hour later without any special aftercare to follow. She could hit the streets of New York as much as she felt like to; as if nothing had happened. It was a disturbing idea when we knew the importance of such test. The first results had been extremely positive though nobody could be sure until the final ones brought a definite answer to their wonders; some fragile hypothesis based on dreadful feelings. Now it was all about waiting a phone call from the doctor Flickwood and pretending that life was going on easily; beautifully. As soon as they stepped into the flat she went straight to her bed and spent the whole afternoon there, huddled up against herself to ease the spasms that made her shiver constantly in spite of the pain reliever she had taken before the procedure. She closed her eyes and clenched her fists under a new wave of stomach sore.

"It hurts like hell."

Laid next to her Will passed his hand softly on her bare stomach in an attempt to relieve her from the pain she was suffering from but in front of his lack of success, he couldn't help feeling sad; useless. Karen had to deal with it on her own and it wasn't fair. She finally fell asleep a couple of hours later and he took advantage of it to call Grace who was still unaware of the situation. The more Karen stayed trapped in her silence, the more it was difficult for him to face his friend but as long as the dark-haired woman wouldn't accept to deal with her problems, she wouldn't be able to confess it. It was a whole process about herself and it wasn't easy to make the peace with it.

"Hi, Grace, it's me."

"Hi, Will. Are you with Karen? She told me this morning that she wouldn't come here today."

"Yes I am. She's… She's a bit sick. I'm taking care of her."

"Is she okay? Will… Will, tell me what's happening. I know there's something and you don't tell me about it. I can see it, you know. If there's something wrong I think it's fair that I get to know what, don't you think so?"

Will bit his lower lip and glanced at Karen. Her sleep seemed to have relieved her pain and her features had found back their usual softness. He sighed. "Karen is fine and I'm fine. You don't have to be worried about us…"

"But what's happening? I know there's something and it's not a thrilling surprise you're preparing."

"You're right, Gracie. But I can't tell you about it now, I'm sorry. I promised I wouldn't. However, and you can trust me about it, you will know about it very soon. But please don't be worried, everything's fine."

She turned on her right and frowned, looking all around her for a coffee store that was nowhere to be seen. The street was calm, the row of townhouses sagely lined up next to each other, flowerpots lighting up their façades. She picked up her cell phone and dialed Will's number, moving slowly forward under the shadow of the trees. The summer seemed to last longer that year and even though mid-September was coming, the weather was still hot, almost unbearable when the breeze had decided not to join the high temperatures. Two days had passed by since her medical intervention and it was only a matter of hours now before them getting the results. She felt anxious and resigned; her fate had been settled down and she would have no choice but accept it quietly when Amanda called her.

"Where are you, Karen? I'm waiting for you. Are you running late?"

"Yeah well I'm…" She stopped all of a sudden and gasped, hypnotized by the strength of logic. She looked at the windows and the shape of the door; the color of the stairs and the apparent bricks hidden behind an impressive layer of ivy.

"Karen, are you there? Talk to me!"

"I'm in front of our house, Will."

He joined her twenty minutes later. She was staring in disbelief at the abandoned house; a bright smile lighting up her face. Her eyes seemed to be glimmering like a child's ones under a Christmas tree. She turned towards him and nodded.

"This is the house I can picture in our dreams."

Will raised his eyebrows before studying the brownstone with attention. It looked like it needed some work after a few decades lost in a total ignorance but he had to admit that it was nice and friendly; located in the heart of Morningside Heights in the peaceful streets longing the boiling avenues. After a few minutes of an unreadable silence, he finally nodded.

"I think you're right, Karen. We have to get it."

She threw herself in his arms, laughing hysterically; tears of joy welling up in her eyes. For the very first time since a long while she felt light and relieved. And she loved it. She was about to call the number of the real estate agency when her phone rang. She looked at the ID and froze. Amanda Flickwood was calling.

"Will, Karen…"

The doctor motioned them the seats and they all sat down quietly. Karen's heart was beating quickly, loudly in her chest. With a shaking hand she came closer to Will and grabbed his own hand. Amanda cleared her voice before plunging her blue eyes in theirs.

"I got the results this morning Karen and any kind of uterine abnormality is discarded. You are biologically in capacity to have a baby. Your previous miscarriages may be related to DES and so your future pregnancies will have to be followed carefully but still… We're going to determine the day of your ovulation and then… You can start trying. Congratulations!"

She would probably remember this moment until the end of her life. Grace was sat on her right and Jack in front of her. Will was on her left side. They could hear the other customers in the background, the sound of some plates hitting each other; a wine being poured in a glass. But still, it was like a shield had been put around their table and she felt warm, safe; happy to belong to this one. She stopped playing with her fork and looked up at Grace and Jack.

"I would like to celebrate something very special tonight and that's why we are here. Hum… I don't really know how to start because it's very important to me and… I don't want to ruin it." She giggled nervously and looked at Will for a couple of seconds before turning back at her friends. "We found a house to buy this morning and… We're going to try to have a baby. I think it's time for me to start living. It's just a little story of mine but I learned today that it has a happy ending. So… Just listen to it carefully."


	20. When he's not in town

She gave up her shoes for the warmness of the wooden floor, her feet softly caressing the natural surface before moving forward from the living to the kitchen. The weeping-willow was dancing through the wind and the rain in the backyard, the shadows of its furious leaves reflected on the wall; passing by the French window. She pushed away a cardboard box and made her way to the counter to grab a tumbler, vaguely shivering under the thousand noises of the house stirred up by the storm. Buying a brownstone seemed romantic but the strength of the elements gave a creepy shade to it and when she looked all around her, passing from a pile of books to an armchair covered by a sheet, she couldn't help thinking that, that night, the atmosphere was gloomy. She came back to the main room and sat down on the floor, facing the fireplace, her hands getting closer to the flames. She was cold, alone but nonetheless happy; at the right place. They had moved in a few days before and were still living through an impressive amount of cardboard boxes, basic furniture. The works hadn't begun yet but Karen didn't care. She had felt the urge, the need, to go to their new place immediately in an attempt to forget some harsh memories. She just wanted to concentrate on the baby.

She opened the bottle of whisky and poured some brown liquid in her glass, the ice cubes floating on the surface silently.

"You shouldn't be drinking if you want to have a baby."

Karen jumped and screamed, frightened by the unexpected visit. She turned around and looked at Grace standing on the door frame. The dark-haired woman shook her head, putting a hand on her heart.

"Damn you scared me! Are you crazy, Grace? This house is already giving me the creeps tonight, there's no need for little tricks like yours!"

Grace came to sit down next to her, amused by her friend's reaction. She took a plastic glass that was resting by her side and poured whisky in it. She raised it and smiled at Karen.

"Cheers!"

Karen followed Grace's gesture and both friends sipped their drink. As the liquid made contact with her throat, the red-haired woman frowned, if a little astonished.

"Is it apple juice?"

Karen smirked. "I shouldn't be drinking if I want to have a baby."

Grace's incredulous gaze came to rest on the bottle, then on Karen's tumbler. "But why is it in a bottle of Johnny Walker?"

Karen shrugged, smiling mysteriously. "Homage to my brother…?"

They laughed in silence and turned their faces back to the fireplace, looking at how the flames were dancing high; tracing little curves in the air. Karen finally sighed, leaning against an armchair. She had never said it out loud but she loved those evenings spent with Grace. They tasted of lightness and safety; a strange compromise between the stress of the day and the peace of the night unless it was just their friendship, a sincere and natural one. Perhaps she stayed quiet and teased Grace all along but she was glad not to be alone that night. Will wasn't in town, Jack was on a date; and now she had at last her house, she didn't feel like going out but enjoying this sensation that for once she had been right while moving there. She had been looking for this certitude for so long that now she had got it, she didn't dare to go away from it; afraid it could vanish under the spell of some wicked trick.

"Do you think I will be a great mom?"

Grace grabbed her hand, pressing it softly before locking her eyes with her hazel ones.

"You have the required sweetness for it. Babies like you, they seem to be fascinated. Think about Lea… Unless they're just scared and shut up."

The dark-haired woman made a face but let it go easily; she had something else in her mind, serious wonders that were asking for coming out. "What if I lose another baby, Grace? I'm not sure I could handle it."

Grace bit her lower lip, looking blankly at the wooden floor and the flames reflected on it. "I'm sure everything will be alright. There's no reason…"

"But it already happened five times. Damn… Five times, Grace! Why not another one? And what if I'm not able to take care of a child? What if I fail? What if…" She sighed, rolling her eyes under her fears. "If I didn't manage to get pregnant during all these years, perhaps it's a sign that I shouldn't try."

"But if you listen to your heart you also know that you want to try. You need to do it or it could turn to be your biggest regret then. Don't let your fears win over you. You're not alone, we're here: Jack, Will, me. We will always be there for you, always Karen."

"I know. I guess I'm just a little scared. So many things happened lately, it went so fast… And I love it, I love what I'm living right now." She passed her tongue over her lips, smiling to nobody in particular but the simple realization of her current happiness. Her eyes were glimmering in the dark. "Everything is going so well that I'm afraid it can't last. I'm falling in love with a concept of existence that sounds too surreal to survive."

A stifled noise on the backdoor of the kitchen made both women looked up and turned towards it.

"What is that? Karen, I guess there's someone in your backyard."

The dark-haired woman stood up and shook her head, sipping her apple juice. "No, honey, it must be Elphaba."

Grace frowned, giggling nervously. "Yeah sure… The Wicked Witch of the West wants to come in here tonight for a drink."

Karen disappeared behind the counter of the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of milk. "Elphaba is a cat. She was here the day we visited the house for the first time and from then on, she never really left."

Intrigued by the animal, Grace joined Karen in the kitchen and saw a black shadow waiting patiently outside. "Why do you call her Elphaba?"

Karen scoffed, as if the evidence of the name could hardly be missed out. "She can defy gravity. When she passes from a roof to another one, it looks like she's flying high."  
Grace stayed over for the night and both friends shared the only mattress that Will and Karen had got for the moment, lost among a ton of clothes in an empty bedroom. She didn't say a word but smile when Karen came in and settled in bed, wearing one of Will's shirts. She loved the both sides of her friend; the eccentric woman who went whim after whim and the emotional girl who needed her boyfriend's smell to fall asleep when he wasn't in town.

"Good night, Karen."

"Good night, Gracie."


	21. Of White and vows

She looked in the mirror how the fabric of the dress was following the curves of her body; from the depths of her chest to the fineness of her ankles that disappeared in a subtle motion under the white satin. Carefully she put on a pair of high heels matching with the dress and stayed quiet in front of the result that the reflection was sending back at her. Perhaps because it was far from being the first time that she found herself in such situation but she couldn't help feeling lost and confused; a bit scared of an eventual other failure. As if her wonders had sounded loud in the silence of the bedroom, Elphaba passed next to her, rubbing her dark body along her ankles. Karen smiled under the touch of affection and looked how the cat came to rest on an armchair near one of the windows before closing its eyes and falling asleep peacefully. The dark-haired woman sighed and proceeded to take off the dress, going back to her casual dark clothes. _What is it about wedding that makes everyone dream, the eyes glimmer and the hopes for a better future sound possible? _She made a face, unable to find out an answer and finally stepped out the room to join her friends downstairs.

A delicious smell of turkey went to her head as soon as she left the stairs and came in the living room. Grace was sat on the couch facing the fireplace, reading some magazine; chewing away at beacon freshly stolen from the kitchen. The icy wind of November was hitting against the French window, sweeping away the light clouds that had dared to disturb the perfect blueness of the sky. Karen grabbed a bottle of red wine and poured some in a glass before sitting down next to her friend.

"Have you checked the turkey, Grace?"

The red-haired woman looked up and frowned. She turned towards Karen and made a face, shaking her head.

"No I haven't… But the beacon is pretty good."

Karen leaned her head backwards, growling in frustration.

"Oh no… Will the Queen is going to kill us."

At this exact moment the door opened and Jack entered, followed by Will. Both men were carrying on brown bags; vestiges from their last ride to the deli. They put them down on the table, vaguely commenting the Macy's Parade and how cheesy everything sounded downtown.

"Oh bloody hell… Kare, come here!"

The dark-haired woman sighed and stood up, ready for her kitchen demise. She had had a whole lecture about how the oven worked in the morning and according to the low sound of Will's voice, she knew he was angry. She rolled her eyes and apologized, twisting her hands nervously.

"It's just a turkey, honey. I'm sure it's edible."

"I wasn't about to tell you about the turkey but the wine. It's very cute of you, and responsible, that you put grape juice in red wine bottles but please, the next time think about putting some symbol on it so that I know it's not alcohol because now it's not a red wine sauce that accompanies the dish but a grape fruit one."

She let a couple of seconds pass by before leaning on Will's arm and kissing his lips softly; locking her eyes with his in a sweet and tender motion. She knew that he wouldn't resist. She smiled and finally relaxed when Will shrugged, his hand coming to rest on her lower back. They both turned back towards the counter and the dark-haired woman observed in silence her future husband preparing the Thanksgiving traditional meal. For quite a while now Karen had decided to slow down on alcohol; in case of an eventual pregnancy. But reluctant to come back to a childish state, she had come up with a smart subterfuge and poured different kind of juices into old bottles of wine and whisky, still using the proper glasses; the appearances were safe and she was pretty satisfied of it. The only problem now was to distinguish the juices from the alcohol once in the fridge. A little bored she abandoned Will and looked by the French window at the leaves that had covered up the grass now; thousands of brown and red shades embracing the ground romantically. Her fingers followed quietly the fall of another one, dancing in the air before resting softly among the others, lost in the crowd. She turned back and passed hers arms around Will's waist from behind, leaning her chin on his shoulder. Her lips made contact with his ear in a sensual murmur.

"I would like to see the colors of Central Park this afternoon; with you."

Will looked up at Jack and Grace sat in the living before facing Karen and capturing her lips in a bolder kiss.

The four friends spent a smooth Thanksgiving in the warm and friendly atmosphere of the townhouse. The last cardboard boxes had disappeared the day before and even though the works still had to come, the rooms were newly-furnished and gave a peaceful touch to the place; pale linen and cotton, refined Japanese paintings on the walls and natural wooden colors had settled down Will and Karen's new life in the heart of The Upper West Side. And the door, at the end of the corridor on the first floor, that made Karen smile and dream as soon as she passed by it. There wasn't a lot in it for the moment but she could picture a crib and the giggles of their baby. She had a lot of hopes for the year that was coming. The conversation went on with fluidity throughout the meal but by moments the dark-haired woman simply stopped speaking to engrave in her heart the purity of the day. She wanted to keep safe some memories like these ones; for the times she would feel down or unlucky. She had started doing it since the very first time she had met them and through the weight of the years her sweet secret had turned into a natural gesture; the exact essence of her feelings.

She took his hand as they passed the gates of the park and walked over the first leaves quietly. She loved the fall and its smell, its colors. There was something bewitching that used to light up any ordinary day. She tightened her scarf around her neck and took a deep breath; fresh air filling her lungs with strength and vitality. Grace and Jack hadn't protested when she and Will had decided to go for a walk together, just the two of them. Since the very beginning they had gladly accepted their relationship and understood perfectly when a moment of intimacy was required. It sounded strange to Karen; they hadn't even needed any adaptation. She admired them for it. They turned on their left and she couldn't help but smile when she saw the small church opposite the street. She thought about the dress she had tried that morning; the high heels. They had settled down their choice on this intimate one and the wedding would take place on Christmas Eve; no matter it would be freezing and a snow storm would take advantage of New York. It had sounded right, logical; her soft confusion only resulted from the fuzziness of her past failures. They sat down on a bench near Strawberry Fields and looked for a while at the buildings of The Upper East Side showing behind the trees far in the background.

"I met your mother by accident two weeks ago."

She gasped under Will's unexpected confession and looked at him in disbelief. She knew that Lois was in town, she had herself seen her a couple of times though she had never been said by her mother that she and Will had spent some time together; if only five minutes. She stayed quiet though; anyway she didn't know what to say.

"We went for a coffee and talked for a bit. At the end she gave me something for you and I promised her that you would get it at the right time; the right moment. I don't know if it really is now but still, I guess we're pretty close to it so…"

Her hazel eyes followed Will's hand as he took off his inside pocket a small black velvet box with some strange letters on it. It looked like Russian. She frowned.

"What is it?"

Will opened it slowly, observing with attention her delicate features.

"It's an engagement ring."

Karen bit her lower lip, smiling brightly; touched by the unexpected gesture as Will went on.

"When your mother knew that we hadn't got one yet she told me about this jewel that she had never dared to sell. When I heard about its story, I knew it had to be yours and so I accepted it."

Karen shook her head, obviously lost in confusion. She was contemplating an old white gold ring with an emerald in its center, two hands brushing each other just under it. The details were sublime and unique.

"What do you mean by its story? I never saw this ring before. My mother owned it? Are you sure?"

"As a matter of fact it belonged to Anna Kovskya; your grandmother. A Russian millionaire had fallen in love with her and offered her this ring. They wanted to get married but the war began and he left for the front. She kept on dancing in Moscow, waiting every single day for his return. When the war had been over, her hopes faded away. He never came back. She learned a few years later that he had died. She had nothing left from him but this ring and a five-year old daughter called Lois. She never got married and lost her illusions into the contemplation of this ring."

Will passed the ring on Karen's shaking finger. The story had let her speechless and she was looking blankly at the jewel; the weight of its symbol embracing her soul.

"We have everything booked for the wedding. I know you have your dress because you try it every morning or so…"

Karen raised her eyebrows and nodded, resigned, under Will's comment.

"But we never got any engagement ring. I know this one isn't really big or anything but still… Its story is unique, like ours. Life is weird but beautiful. I love you, Karen and I always do."


	22. The magic of Christmas Eve

She woke up in his arms, her face resting on his chest. She stayed still for a couple of minutes, sweeping away her dreams, taking advantage of the warmness of his body. The sun was shining and it smelled of snow; a dry and pure coldness that had always made her smile. Even before she turned towards him and kissed his lips softly, she knew that this day would be perfect. Her fingers followed the line of his arm from his wrist to his shoulder and she leaned up, locking her eyes with his. She felt his hand tightening the grip on her naked waist as her knee brushed his inner thigh with sensuality. A bright smile lit up her face when she caressed his cheek, the heat of his body invading her own one.

"Good morning, Will."

"We're going to get married."

She laughed against his lips before passing her tongue over them, kissing him softly.

"I know, honey."

The exhilaration of their happiness sounded loud and beautiful in the quietness of the house. This exact afternoon they would head to the old church near Central Park and the whiteness of her dress would embrace lovingly the darkness of his tuxedo in a whirl of sweetness. But for the moment it was all about sensual kisses and how their instincts led them to bold caresses under the thick blanket of their bed. They made love that morning with an ounce of melancholy over their hearts for all the things they had lived until now and all the rest that had to come. Their wedding wouldn't change a lot to their day-to-day existence but still. They would turn a page and settle down their fantasies.

They wouldn't have moved from bed if Grace and Jack hadn't showed up a couple of hours later. Will was resting on Karen's chest, listening to her hear beating as her fingers were wandering aimlessly through his hair. She had always had a thing for these intimate gestures that only lovers could share; sweet motions of care coming up subconsciously and then they were off, so far from the rest. She forgot about her whims, her eccentric behavior, and let the soft side of her soul win over appearances. It was rare, almost disturbing when you knew about Karen though you couldn't help but be touched at the end when the dark-haired woman allowed you to see her real face. A soft knock on the door made them open their eyes, abandoning reluctantly the quietness of their morning.

"Are you decent or should I wait downstairs?"

Will yawned, settling for a more casual and common position in bed.

"You can come in, Grace."

The door opened and the red-haired woman poked her head inside; a huge smile on her face. She rolled her eyes after a few seconds and entered the bedroom.

"Could you not wait for tonight? You will have plenty of time to have sex. Right now you should be stressed, running from a room to another, yelling hysterically that you have lost something. How can you just stay here and do it now while the ceremony will take place within four hours?"

Karen smirked from Will's sweet embrace, her head leaned against his chest.

"Oh, don't be worried, honey, we are stressed and that's why we're making love. We need something to calm our nerves."

"Does it work well?" Jack came in, carrying on a big tray with continental breakfast on it. He sat down on the bed, joining Will and Karen who were looking at him astonished. Grace smiled and settled next to him, shrugging.

"We thought it could be great if we had breakfast together as we did so many times. Something is about to happen to the four of us; a very special change. Let's just say those French toasts are an homage to all the years we already shared."

"That's cute, Grace. I'm touched." Karen bit her lower lip, smiling sweetly at her friend. "Could you just give me a t-shirt or something? I'd rather not to get up now and get you blind thanks to my amazing body."

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, her lipstick warming up her heart. _How come it still freaks me out? This is not the first time; just the right one._ Her hand slid on the curves of her hip, following quietly the white satin of the dress. She looked at Jack and nodded before both friends beginning to walk up to Will. She thought about the jail and Beverly Leslie; her lies on Valentine's Day and the way she had kissed Will. She shivered under the reminiscence of the coldness of the clinic and the logic of a couple of things. It all went to her head and got lost in the persisting smell of wax of the church when she said yes and finally kissed him. Her heart cried silently for the release she finally accepted to give to her life and the last thing she knew was that she had married Will.

They stayed for a while in the paths of Central Park speaking to the few guests invited at the ceremony. They weren't a lot, just the most important ones; sincere people. They had always been looking for intimacy, since the very beginning, and their wedding had simply followed the quietness of their vows. She hugged tightly Olivia and Mason, thanked Stanley for being there in spite of all the things she had made him live; an unexpected divorce while he was trying to deal with a delicate situation. But the millionaire had never been able to be mad at her and the strength of their friendship would probably remain for many other decades. They came back to the house where the diner was set and spent Christmas Eve hand in hand, their eyes locked with each other's ones under the simplicity of their love; the honesty of their gazes. Only their relatives were there, as Grace and Jack. They drank champagne under the magic of the night and Karen smiled all along, finding at last the friendly atmosphere she had always lacked for Christmas Eve as a child. She turned towards Lois and took her in her arms with all the lightness of her new feelings.

"I love you, mom. Thank you for everything."

They waved good-bye at Marilyn and George in the first hours of the morning as Jack and Grace were taking Will's parents back to their hotel. The door got closed and they found themselves alone, the shyness of their smiles contrasting with the excitement of their souls. They went upstairs and made their way to their bed. She stopped on the edge of the mattress and caressed his cheek slowly before plunging her hazel eyes in his.

"This is the perfect dream, Will. Follow me all along it, please." She leaned over and captured his lips. _This is the perfect night for a baby; our child. I love you, Will._


	23. 30 miles west to Bodega Bay

She leaned her head backwards, closing her eyes for a couple of seconds under the steam of the shower she had just had. Still wrapped in a towel she finally observed her reflection in the mirror of the bathroom, studying the features of her face and the curves of her shoulders; her pale and delicate complexion. She thought about her arteries, her veins; all this blood running constantly to her heart, feeding it for a reason she couldn't name or explain. A sudden spasm made her frown and she put an instinctive hand over her painful lower stomach, pushing away the slightest fantasy of a pregnancy. She put on her clothes and swallowed back her disillusions; one more time. Tired of everything she sat down on the old armchair of the bedroom, looking blankly at the street by the window. It was a quiet morning and the asphalt seemed to feel lonely. She smiled nonetheless when Elphaba jumped on her lap and settled down there, asking for caresses. Karen abdicated to the black cat and her soft fingers began to run through its back. The harsh reality suddenly weighed too much on her heart and she let the tears well up, shouting in silence her frustration.

"What's happening, Karen?"

The dark-haired woman sighed as Jack came in and kneeled down in front of her, pushing away her hair from her face. She shrugged through a weak smile.

"Nothing is happening, absolutely nothing." She raised her eyebrows, looking aside bitterly. "As much as we try, it doesn't change a thing. Why can't I have a baby?"

She locked her eyes with her friend's ones and burst into tears in his arms. Every month that was passing by only managed to bury her a bit more into her fears and her disappointment. She was following Doctor Flickwood's advices, taking meticulously hormone pills every single day of every single week but there she was on the fatal date; bearing quietly a new wave of stomach pain. Jack sat down next to her, wrapping her body with his legs, caressing her hair softly. He kissed her head in an attempt to ease her deep sorrow.

"It's all about being patient, Karen. I'm sure it'll happen very soon. The more you wait, the more you will enjoy the unique moment when, all sweaty and sticky after a whole day of labor, you hold your baby in your arms and realize all of a sudden that it was all fair in comparison with your feelings."

She didn't say a word but let Jack's opinion rock her peacefully, wishing he were true.

"How about taking some days off?"

She frowned and looked up at her friend. "Honey, I should be working right now so why would I take some days off?"

"I mean you and Will. Perhaps you should go away for a while and have a rest in some peaceful place. You didn't go on your honeymoon yet so why not now?"

Fingering his hair, Karen looked at Jack blankly, lost in her wonders. She and Will had made their choice on The Cornwall to celebrate their wedding though it wouldn't be before September and mid-January was just showing. She shrugged and nodded. Perhaps her friend was right and it would be good to go away with Will for a couple of days.

They landed in San Francisco in the first hours of the morning, still half-asleep from the domestic flight. They rented a car and left the city right away. For some weird reason Karen insisted on driving, a melancholic smile lighting up her face all along the road. It reminded her of this childhood spent in her mother's whims and the long hours from a state to another; dragging nothing but a pair of suitcases and fuzzy memories. They crossed The Golden Gate Bridge and took 101 North to Petaluma, listening to old tunes and chatting lightly under the bright sun of California. At the end of the East Washington Street Exit, the sign appeared; _30 miles__ west to Bodega Bay._ The dark-haired woman looked at Will and flashed him a bright smile, anticipating the imminent arrival in the seaside village.

They had rented a small cottage at water's edge of the bay; a two-bedroom house with fireplaces in every single room, all overlooking the breathtaking seaside landscape. You entered the property through a gate and into slate walkway where a hot tub nestled among giant cypress and pine trees. In the evening the sun invaded the house by the numerous French windows, reflecting its pink and purple shades on the walls and furniture while the quietness of the place was ideal for romantic diners. They put down their suitcases and as Will was looking at the house, Karen rushed on the upper deck to admire the water views. The sweet temperatures of the area contrasted with the icy coldness of New York and she couldn't help but smile when the breeze passed through her hair, caressing her nape softly. She looked down at the water and thanked Jack silently for the sagacity of his suggestion. Perhaps it wouldn't change a lot about the baby but still, at least she would enjoy her stay there with Will.

The days passed by lovingly; alternating walks through the paths of the cliffs with quiet moments of intimacy in the master bedroom of the house and nocturnal hot tub sessions under the canopy. The village was pretty and authentic; far from the stress of any metropolis. People were nice and welcoming, chatting with pleasure with the tourists; telling the History of the area with a passionate craze. Karen listened to them with attention, delighted by the flame dancing in their eyes as soon as the village was mentioned. They were proud to be a part of it and, while looking all around her at the simplicity of their lives, she always thought they were lucky and right.

Will burst out laughing as Karen made her way to the deck; wearing a yellow raincoat with matching boots, carrying on a metallic basket. She made a face at him and stepped into the small boat with a disturbing facility. As unbelievable as it sounded, it looked like she had already gone fishing. She sat next to Norman, an old fisherman of the area they had met the day of their arrival at the deli of the village and smiled at him. Quietly Will joined them and they left Bodega for the afternoon. The experience resulted extremely interesting. The dark-haired woman showed her male audience how good she was at dealing with crabs and fishes. She took part in it all along, sitting down on the wet floor of the boat to take off the hooks and putting in the baskets the fishes without the slightest disgust on her face. Still astonished by the situation Will kept on smiling in disbelief.

"Kare, do you mind if I take a picture of you? They won't believe me when I tell them about it."

Focalized on a hook, the dark-haired woman simply nodded; completely unaware of the camera that Will was holding. They came back a few hours later and after thanking Norman for the ride, they went on the beach for a walk. She took off her boots and rolled up her jeans to her knees, her feet caressing the sand under each of her steps. She had always loved the sensation of the millions of grains against her skin. It was soft and abrupt like existence. She found back her Manolo Blahnick and her expensive Italian dress in the evening when they ate at The Duck Club Golf restaurant overlooking the bay and the thousand of lights reflected on the water like a multitude of silent fireworks.

She kissed his chest before going up to his lips, her smile engraving its weight on his mouth. She sighed, leaning on her elbow and looked at Will; satisfied. Her hand travelled along his naked body, passing from his neck to his legs, stopping by his stomach and the warmness of his waist. Her feet caressed his ankles under the blanket of the bed as the sun came to embrace his face bewitchingly. They would leave in the morning, leaving behind a sweet week of simple pleasures as the buildings of The East Coast would settle down the return to their old routine but for the moment they were still facing the bay and enjoying the quietness of the night; as much as their soft caresses. She locked her eyes with his and opened her mouth to speak but she didn't find the right words that could match with her feelings. There wasn't any equivalence, any similarity. She simply smiled and captured his lips in a deep kiss.


	24. The velvet of doubts

Nothing is never completely settled down. When we think it's over and we start living the door flies open and an unexpected whirl breaks down our dreams; leaving us behind, a bit astonished in front of the ruins of our existences.

_Life is so fragile. _She grabbed one of Will's cashmere sweaters and went downstairs for a drink, still half-asleep. The house was plunged into a peaceful silence typical from Sunday mornings when Grace and Jack hadn't showed up yet. She took off the fridge a bottle of orange juice and sat down at the table, sipping her glass quietly; looking blankly at the pile of mails they had received the day before. All of a sudden she frowned and grabbed a red envelop that hadn't been opened yet. She let escape a sigh of exasperation when she recognized the golden letters on it and the little symbol of Shelter Island. February was coming and she had just been invited by Stanley to the Valentine's day party. The sun caught up the emerald of her engagement ring, making it shine brightly in the pale shades of the living; a soft reminiscence of the fact that this year, she wouldn't have to pretend anything because Will would be there and she had married him.

She came back to bed, sliding quietly under the blanket and passing her arm around Will's waist who was still sleeping. He slightly moved under her touch but only settled further, looking for the heat of her own body against his. She bit her lower lip and contemplated his chest moving up and down under the strength of his heart, trying to restrain the urge to plant a kiss on his skin before resting her face over it. She didn't close her eyes and waited patiently that Will finally accepted to come back to reality, smiling at him lovingly; her fingers caressing his cheek. She loved those moments when they didn't even speak but simply looked at each other; their emotions passing through their gazes in the most natural way. It was all about tenderness and bright smiles; light kisses. Most of the times they ended up breathing louder lost in the boldness of their intertwined bodies under the thrusts of their hips; the exhilaration of their sensations pushed to the paroxysm of their love. A year had already passed by and Karen was still unable to explain the reason why they had crossed the lines, one day. Their mutual attraction was a complete mystery to her, a weird addiction she had decided to accept silently because she felt fine with him.

She laughed and looked at him, holding his hand tightly as they were making their way through the crowd of Times Square. They turned on 59th and were about to stop for a coffee near The Rockfeller Center when something tipped over without any warning. She gasped as Will vaguely loosened his grip on her own hand like a bitter anticipation of what would come next; a distance or the concept of mistake flying above their minds. Karen smiled, dreading subconsciously the inevitable sequels on their relationship. She trusted Will but still… Some ghosts coming straight from the past would always stir up a whole wave of anxiety in her heart. He shook her hand politely and turned immediately towards Will. She just looked down, scared of finding herself alone one more time after all these things they had shared and lived. She frowned, her hand resting on her stomach for whatever reason; as a matter of fact she felt a bit sick.

"God, Will… It's been for ages! How are you?"

Will smiled weakly as his voice sounded unsure among the crowd walking on the pavement.

"Good morning, Michael."

Life went on slowly as if nothing had happened but Karen's feelings were shouting loud the exact opposite. There wasn't any distance but an invisible and thick veil between the both of them, a dark one. Will was still sweet and full of attention; providing her this tenderness that she had always lacked in the past but subconsciously or not the dark-haired woman began to focalize on her doubts; her anxiety growing as if it were only a matter of time. She had been hurt too many times not to recognize the first signs of a failure and then she would be left behind.

She sat down on the couch an evening, looking in silence at the flames dancing in the fireplace. She was cold and tired; sad. She smiled and thanked Will as he put down on her shoulders a shawl before settling down next to her, staring at her in confusion. _Here we are._ She took a deep breath and waited patiently for her demise.

"Karen…"

"I know. Just try to fix it, Will."

She had put an end to it even before the words came out and lit up the harsh truth she had been dreading for three weeks now. There was no need to insist and dig a wound even deeper in the nothingness of her soul. She looked blankly at his knee and frowned under the realization that she may not touch it again anymore. Some things seemed to be over now.

"What are you going to do?"

Will sighed, obviously overwhelmed by the situation. "I don't know, Kare."

He left a few hours later carrying on a suitcase. She stayed still on the couch until the door got closed and she found herself alone in the vestiges of a life they had imagined eternal and safe. Now it was just some dust from a pale old star, vaguely glimmering in the darkness of her heart. For the very first time she thought about suicide but a couple of seconds resulted enough so that she realized that she didn't own the strength for it; even less the courage.

"Why am I always so wrong?"

Her voice sounded loud and cold in the townhouse and she burst into tears until Grace arrived and took her in her arms.

"I just want to die but I don't even get that."

She sat down on her bed and nodded at Jack who took her suitcase downstairs. Valentine's day had finally arrived and against all expectations, Karen had decided to go to Shelter Island; no matter Will wouldn't be on her side. She knew he was staying at Grace, looking for a solution for his heart; the right one. She let her friend grab her hand and led her to the car waiting for her in the street. She looked like a doll that had never learned how to breathe or live properly. She only obeyed in silence, lost in a burning sorrow reflected through the transparency of her tears. She didn't say a word throughout the whole trip and went straight to the bathroom after having checked in her suite. She felt dirty and heavy. A soft knock on the door made her jump as she was stepping out the shower. She grabbed a towel, wrapping her body in it and came to face Grace who was waiting nervously for her on the doorframe. The red-haired woman sighed as Karen appeared.

"Oh god, Karen… Don't do that to me again!"

The dark-haired woman frowned, confused.

"What did I do?"

"Don't lock yourself in the bathroom, you…"

Grace didn't finish her sentence and looked down, ashamed. The dark-haired woman shook her head, giggling bitterly.

"I'm not going to kill myself, Gracie. But thank you for taking care of me."

After a few seconds of hesitation, Karen took her friend in her arms, hugging her tight with awkwardness but honesty.

"I need to choose a dress now… You want to stay here?"

Grace nodded, delighted and relieved. She sat on her friend's bed and sighed, obviously in pain. "Karen, would you have some pain reliever? I have a stomach sore."

"Sure, honey."

Karen grabbed her purse and was taking off it the bottle of pills when she stopped suddenly and gasped. Grace looked up at her with curiosity.

"Is there something wrong?"

The dark-haired woman shook her head slowly, still lost in her wonders. "No, I guess… No it's okay. I'm okay." She smiled at Grace and went back to the bathroom though the fragility of her voice hadn't matched at all with the tone of her statement. Something bothered her and made her heart beat louder; an odd apprehension. The afternoon went smoothly but Karen declined Jack and Grace's invitation to go to the bar. Her friends didn't protest and left her alone in her bedroom, dealing with her crazy decision to attend the party in spite of everything. They closed the door behind them and Karen rushed on the phone, feeling dizzy and lonely. She was missing Will. She called the reception, listening absent-mindedly to the dialing tone.

"Hum... Yes, this is Karen Truman. I have a sort of emergency. I don't know if you can help me... I need... Hum... I need something a bit special."

The night fell on the island as the lights suddenly appeared in the ballroom as by magic. She made a step forward and smiled politely at the other guests, her red velvet dress catching the effects of the spotlights over the curves of her body. She had done her hair, some strands brushing her face with grace. As she made her way until her friends, Jack couldn't help but think that she looked happy. Her features seemed to have found back their natural relief. She was about to sit down at the table when his voice made her freeze.

"I need to talk to you, Karen."

She turned and looked at Will, standing there next to her in a black tuxedo. She felt her heart tighten under his appearance; he was breathtaking and no matter what people could think, she was in love with him. She nodded and followed him outside, avoiding his gaze for some shy reasons. She was afraid a simple look could make everything go wrong and then it would be too late; if only they still had a chance. The manor was big but they headed outside naturally and sat down on a bench in the shadows of the moonlight. Karen pouted under such a scene. It sounded too romantic; too far from what they were going through.

"Something scared me. I thought it was Michael but I realized this morning that it was actually the strength of my feelings for you." Will giggled nervously, looking aside. "Since the day I left I didn't stop dreaming about you. You invaded my mind, Karen, and I gave you my heart. I'm so sorry…" He turned and locked his eyes with hers, frowning. "I don't know what happened or why. I never looked for it but perhaps the truth remains in fuzzy mystery. All I know is that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I don't exist if you're not there, next to me. You give life to my breath, Kare. You just give life to me and I need you to go on. You're the exact essence of my feelings."

She passed her tongue over her dry lips and swallowed hard; her heart beating loud under the intensity of her emotions. She took a deep breath and let it go.

"I'm pregnant, Will."


	25. 365 days

"I'm sorry."

Karen looked down, a bit confused. She had let the words come out and sound loud in the darkness of the night; their melody embracing her ears but scaring her heart. She would have never imagined that it would happen like that. In her dreams she always waited impatiently for the results with Will, not in the loneliness of a hotel suite. It was one of those moments they couldn't but share because they both had been concerned since the very beginning and it was all what they actually wanted. Sat on their bed or on the edge of the bathtub, she locked her eyes with his, looking for comfort and courage. She wasn't supposed to stare at her own reflection and face her fears without saying a word; dreading the moment she would look at the stick and check, alone. Perhaps her mind had crossed the limits of fantasies and she had hoped too much. _Perfection doesn't exist._ She had missed him so badly when she had had to live it on her own, a veil of uncertainty over their future. And now he was back she had ruined everything. His silence was too evident to be missed out. The rain began to pour but none of them moved. They stayed still and quiet on the bench, avoiding each other's gaze.

"Why didn't you tell it to me earlier? Karen…"

She raised her eyebrows, shaking her head. She would have preferred to forget about the bitterness of this painful experience. Something had got broken by then.

"I knew this afternoon."

"But… When did you start having doubts about it? Oh God… I had to be there, you didn't have to go through it by yourself."

"It's okay, Will."

"Karen, look at me."

He took her chin between his fingers and made her turn her head to face him. Her hazel eyes were glimmering, highlighting her pain, her insecurities. She sighed and bit her lower lip.

"It didn't cross my mind before today when Grace asked me for a pain reliever because she had a stomach sore. Then I realized that I hadn't taken any yet. I've not been… I've not been very fine since you left me. I suppose I just forgot about it. I didn't do a lot but crying those past two weeks so I assume I just… I didn't think about it. And this afternoon…" Her voice broke down and she leaned her head backwards, swallowing back her tears under the reminiscence of the stressing feelings she had gone through. "I was so scared, Will. I wanted you to be there with me." She rushed in his arms and burst into tears; the sobs easing the tension of her soul quietly. She tightened her grip on his body; his smell invading her lungs and going to her head, stopping by her heart.

"I love you, Will. I love you so much, honey."

"I'm so sorry, Kare. I'm so sorry, I'm… I'm a complete jerk."

The dark-haired woman laughed before breaking the embrace and kissing his cheek. She locked her eyes with his brown ones, looking for relief in them.

"So we're… We're going to have a baby?"

She smiled at him shyly and nodded. She scanned furtively her feelings; a whole wave of emotions running through her veins, getting engraved in her mind. She frowned.

"I'm scared, Will. What if…"

"No. Everything will be fine. Everything will be perfectly fine."

All of a sudden a jazz band sounded loud in their backs, announcing the spotlight dance that for the very first time Karen wouldn't head. She thought about all these years spent with Stanley and the invisible but heavy sensation that they would end up failing anyway, no matter what their efforts to keep on pretending they were fine; in love. She leaned over and captured Will's lips in a soft kiss; realizing that it had always been him.

Like 365 days earlier they went upstairs in silence, hand in hand. She closed the door behind her and led him to the bed slowly. The moonlight was passing through the window, getting reflected over the walls, the furniture; their skin. Like a year before, they didn't break apart and kept their eyes locked with each other's; Will's forehead against hers, her legs around his waist and his arms lost in her hair. They didn't try to understand why they had come to this point; why she needed him to go on, the child, their wedding bangs. Perhaps the only explanation resulted in their smiles and the disturbing logic of existence; some strength we can't control for whatever reason. They just let it go and take them away into the uniqueness of their story with all their mistakes and dreams. And even long after they found back their regular breaths, they didn't fall asleep but look by the window how the night was vanishing. The darkness of the sky slid along their naked bodies and the paleness of their complexions began to shine, peacefully, in the first hours of the morning. She smiled, a hand on his chest as her head was resting on his shoulder; his arms around her waist. It was raining. She didn't feel like moving but spend the rest of her life there, in that bed, with him. The world would go on and they would stare at it with some distance, safe and warm.

Her fingers slid along his bare stomach before coming to rest on her own one, caressing softly her skin. Her palm tried to absorb the heat of her heart before spreading it under the layers of skin where a life was growing in silence. She kissed his shoulder and sighed, relieved.

"Happy anniversary, Will."


	26. Whatever happens when you smile at me

It seemed that something had changed all of a sudden. Life sounded light and positive, almost too bright to look real. The sun passed through the window and followed her slightest movement, bringing a constant and soft warmness over her shoulders. She found herself pregnant and began to learn about how to breathe; the reason for her smiles and the addiction to a thousand of sweet details like the way Grace pushed her hair away, the curls caressing her ears. The result remained positive, from the test of Shelter Island to the medical one. A part of Will had accepted her cells, her own body, and now the fusion was working to give life to a child. The multiplications of this new entity were turning into arteries and bones; a brain. And one day, if everything went well, Karen would give birth to the uniqueness of this conception. She would become a mother.

She leaned her head backwards against the marble of the tub and tried to relax; thinking about nothing but the heat of the water around her arms, her legs and her stomach. It was a sweet sensation that she had always loved; a sort of peaceful moment lost in the turmoil of her existence. Her tiptoes slid along the white material and came to rest on the edge of the bath as some drops were falling on the floor in a regular pace; a subtle rhythm. Her fingers started playing with the soap resting over her knee, twirling around in the foam. A furtive thought and her face lit up all of a sudden for no particular reason but the fact she was happy; anxious but happy. It was way too early to get an ultra-sound picture; the image on the screen would remain blurry so in the meantime Karen could only try to relax and prepare herself for her pregnancy. She sighed under the weight of the months that would pass by slowly. Because of her delicate situation the evolution of her body would be studied with attention, meticulously; and there was still the possibility that she could start bleeding and so face another miscarriage. She wasn't scared but felt helpless before such eventuality.

She unbuttoned her shirt with a feigned control. Her gestures sounded right, perfect, but the dark-haired woman was actually putting all her efforts not to look anxious and stressed. She had never been good at showing her emotions, not even in front of her closest friends. She looked at Grace and vaguely smiled at her before turning her attention back to Amanda Flickwood whose white blouse contrasted brightly with the black screen on her back. _I would do anything to keep it alive. Please, help me._ A wave of bitter melancholy and old reminiscence ran to her heart as soon as she felt the gel on her stomach and a strange noise resounded loud in the background. She had never forgotten about it or the singular sensation that invaded your body when you're finally faced for the first time the figure of life; a small but strong heart beating loudly. She had lived it too many times, for too long, to pretend she had pushed this memory aside and kept on living as if nothing had happened; as if she had never lost a baby. The seconds passed by and she couldn't help but giggle, delighted by the sound and the blurry image. She could have spent her whole life looking at it in silence, fascinated by the slightest detail she was completely unable to interpret. There was just something about it; an odd charm.

They stepped out of Amanda's office as the snow was falling over New York unexpectedly. The buildings being recovered by a white and thick layer of ice. Karen didn't wait any longer and called Will, no matter that they were heading to the restaurant to have lunch with him and she would have plenty of time to tell him everything. He could have been at the corner of the street that she wouldn't have changed her mind. She needed to hear his voice now; his tone passing underneath her skin and rocking her soul in a sweet motion. She wanted him to know that she was fine and smiling. It wasn't an ectopic pregnancy and for the moment mother and child were healthy. _Thank you so much, honey. Thank you so much for everything. _

She had told him that his hands matched her own ones to perfection, joining the gesture to her words; her palm sliding along his. Her fingers had got lost among his, intertwined lovingly before her pressing his hand and bringing it to her lips. They were sat on the couch, face-to-face. For some reason Jack and Grace had deserted the house and they were alone; just a couple of days after Bodega Bay. Her hair still smelled of the waves and the sea while her heart was lost into Will's eyes and the essence of his smiles. _Whatever happens when you smile at me, I know it's all what I need._ From his hand she had gone up to his lips and kissed him softly; laying down on the couch, sliding on the wooden floor under the desires of their instincts. She remembered it perfectly because in the intensity of their thrusts she had grabbed his hand, both resting over her head, and their wedding bands had turned hot against their skin for being so close to the fireplace. It hadn't hurt at all but highlighted the exact symbol of fantasies. It was like they were at last passing through each other's body, reaching their beloved souls.

Something happened that evening. In the silence of existence their cells had got mixed and they had reached a new stage subconsciously. They had looked at the flames before heading to bed, falling asleep in each other's arms; completely unaware of the fact they had just made a baby.


	27. I'm just a girl, Gracie

It was just a matter of breathing; a strong concentration on a point that stayed still. The first seconds were the worst ones, the most difficult because of this wave of warmness that invaded her body and came to rest over her stomach. She used to swallow hard, breathing loudly. All her muscles were tensed and ready to rush out if she needed it. The world seemed to stop all of a sudden and she forgot about the rest, the others. A cold sensation substituted her first feelings dreadfully before her frowning, finally closing her eyes. To be completely honest she let her instinct guide her every time. After all there wasn't any particular solution. It had to pass, or not. And if she managed to overcome the nausea, she came back to the situation she had dropped out a few minutes before; smiling as if nothing had happened, saying she was fine. Her features softened slowly and life went on until the next fit.

She bit her lower lip as a shy smile lit up her face under Jack's unexpected gesture. She settled further on her chair and grabbed the present that her friend had just offered her; unwrapping it with noticeable impatience. Three lacquered bangles slid on her palm; black, red and purple. She looked with curiosity at them, studying their unusual shapes. They were elegant and discreet; she could definitely wear them in her day-to-day life.

"It's to prevent from nausea."

Karen looked up at Jack, obviously confused. Her friend went on.

"The small ball is supposed to press some specific area of acupuncture on your wrist and so prevent you from having nausea. I thought it could be a good idea since you're feeling a bit sick lately."

"Oh honey, it's adorable. Thank you very much."

The dark-haired woman stood up and hugged her friend tightly before kissing his nose. She put on the black bangle and never spent a day without one of the three items. As the months would pass by she would learn to love them and respect the symbol they carried on; some sweet memory of her pregnancy and the coolness of the lacquer against her skin.

The bathrobe slid along her shoulders and came to rest on the mattress, revealing the curves of her waist, her hips. She didn't say a word, vaguely smiled and looked down at the paleness of her complexion; her short fingers lost under the piece of clothing. His hand brushed her nape before passing over her throat as his lips began to kiss her ear. She leaned her head on aside, giving more access to his ministrations but she suddenly caught up the reflection of the mirror in front of her. Sat on the edge of the bed Karen observed her figure silently; how her body was changing slowly day after day, adapting itself to the particular state of pregnancy. She could notice a difference on her waist, a bit thicker; and her breasts, getting the logical maternal shapes. Lost in her wonders she nonetheless shivered when Will's hand travelled on her stomach and as his kisses were reaching her shoulders, he looked up and crossed her gaze in the mirror; his mouth still on her skin. They stayed still for a couple of seconds, trying to read each other's mind. A sentiment of lightness invaded her heart and made her smile. She intertwined her fingers with his and pressed his hand softly on the bed before him coming back to his kisses. She moaned and leaned her head backwards, closing her eyes, arching her back, when his hand travelled up from her stomach to her breasts and the other one disappeared on her inner thighs.

"Do you realize it, Karen?" Grace came closer to her friend, abandoning her sketch on the desk, and brushed her stomach. "You're pregnant." The words had come out in a soft murmur of fascination, highlighted by an ounce of melancholy for not living the same. She had frowned and looked blankly at a pile of fashion magazines with an expressionless face. She wasn't pretending anything and even though her features had remained still, her voice had carried on the transparency of honesty. The dark-haired woman shrugged, vaguely blushing. It was a weak moment and she didn't like it.

"I'm just a girl, Gracie."

"No, you're more. There's something about it and it suits you to perfection. I don't know what it is but it looks like you've been made for it."

Grace grabbed her friend's hand, holding it tight. A bright smile lit up her face and came to reassure Karen who giggled nervously, looking aside. Her earrings slid against her cheeks as some strands of hair brushed her neck, escaping beautifully from her hairpin. She raised her eyebrows and sighed.

"Let's just say that I've been waiting for it for a very long time." She laughed, lost in her daydreams and turned her head back to Grace, frowning under the evidence of her desires; the ones she had hidden until now. "I always wanted to have a baby. I know it's surprising when you know me but… I'm a bit more than a couple of pills and a glass of martini. I can shiver under an unexpected kiss and blush when a compliment touches me. I'm scared, happy, skeptical, a bit shy too sometimes. I've been hurt in the past; too many times perhaps. I can cry, break down into tears or simply be sweet and attentive. I'm just a girl, Gracie but I never really show it."

She grabbed a bottle of water and took a sip, locking her eyes with Grace's ones. "My eccentricities are just appearances but I love them. I'm not the same one in the intimacy, ask Will about it."

"Then why do you play a role in public?"

The dark-haired woman frowned, smiling with awkwardness. "We all have our insecurities."


	28. For a couple of laughs and a ton of pics

He kissed her ear and she burst out laughing, holding him tight in bed. It was still early in the morning but the sun had warmed up their bodies enough to wake them up. The spring was invading New York in a sweet and bewitching motion through a thousand fragrances of multicoloured flowers; limpid blue skies, almost infinite. He leaned up on his elbows, on top of her, and locked his eyes with her hazel ones as a smile lit up his face. She let her fingers run on his cheek before resting on his nape, caressing his hair. She loved the tenderness of their mornings when the whiteness of the blanket matched the paleness of their skin and the only sound they could hear was the contact of their lips against each other's; the relief in their sighs. His hand went down and grabbed her thigh making her knee brush instinctively his own one. Her mouth moved in silence, whispering that she loved him and she closed her eyes as he captured her lips in a kiss. There was something about those moments; a sort of impossibility to pretend or feign. She had no makeup on; her hair was probably a mess while her features still carried on the softness of her past dreams. She was pure, in the most natural way; an intimidating one. At least it was what she could see through Will's face; an odd charm she couldn't resist and that made her heart melt.

She grabbed a glass of wine and poured some grape juice in it, smiling under the addiction to this weird stratagem. Rubbing her foot against Elphaba's back, she headed to the backyard and sat down on a teak chair, studying with attention her last ultra-sound picture. For some obvious reasons the dark-haired woman needed multiple medical appointments and tests, looking for the slightest problem that could come up during every single semester. At least she had more opportunities to see the baby on the screen than the average woman and when you were pregnant, ultra-sound pictures were a unique moment. She smiled while thinking about it. Somehow she was lucky. She put down her juice on the table and followed with her fingers the figure of the foetus, from its head to the umbilical cord. It was so small, almost surrealist; but the perfection of the spine and the evidence of the eyes settled down the fact she wasn't dreaming. All this was happening, now; and everything was fine.

Three months had passed by yet under the singular fusion of her fears with the strength of her happiness. She wasn't really tired and felt at the right place though she couldn't help but think about her past miscarriages; flashbacks of blood and violent fits of pain and the realization, at the end, that she wouldn't held the baby in her arms, not even see his face. Too soon for most of them, she had only got to know the sex for one; when she lost it at twenty-five weeks. She had nodded quietly, resigned, when the scientist had asked her if she was interested. It was a boy but she had refused to see him. She had preferred to keep on living in her fantasies than to look blankly at the blue face of a child who had already ceased to breathe. _It was a boy, my little boy._ She shivered and came back to reality, the silence of the house weighing a lot upon her shoulders all of a sudden. She rushed inside and grabbed the phone to call Will, no matter he was at work and probably busy. He had always answered, even before they kissed and got married. He knew that Karen needed his voice; to get reassured and feel loved. As much as she would pretend she was okay, he knew she was asking in silence for some help and tenderness. The Ice Queen always hid her real feelings.

"Wait, honey… Don't move…" Her laugh sounded loud in the living room; relieved and light. Karen looked at Will before leaning her head against his and smiling at the digital camera. A boring afternoon had led the dark-haired woman to an impulsive purchase and she had come back home with the small item in hands. Feet up on the couch they were both laid on the wooden floor, making faces and smiling hysterically to launch the first pictures. Black and white, colour, sepia… They were trying every single option in every single position.

"What are you doing?" She frowned and looked at Will in disbelief when he took the camera and unbuttoned her blouse, revealing her pale stomach.

"I'm taking a picture of our daughter."

Karen scoffed and patted his head softly, shaking her own one. "You told me yesterday that I was expecting a boy. Are you insane, Wilma? Boy or girl… Make your mind up. This baby isn't going to change every single day!"

Will put down the digital camera and rolled on his stomach, locking his eyes with hers. "What would you like to have?"

She shrugged, taken aback by the sudden return to some sweet seriousness. "I don't know… As long as the baby is healthy it doesn't really matter to me. Perhaps… A girl could be great. I'm not sure I want another boy right now."

"Another boy?" Will frowned, a bit confused, but suddenly realized what Karen meant as she smiled at him shyly; weakly. He passed his fingers over her lips before kissing her softly; reaching her hand to held it tight. They broke apart and she rolled her eyes.

"You don't have to be sweet with me because I lost babies. It's nice of you but… I'm okay now, honey. I swear I am."

"I know." He looked down and sighed before plunging a scrutinized gaze in her hazel eyes. "How is it Karen?"

"What do you mean?" Subconsciously the dark-haired woman adopted the same tone of voice, loud and soft; ideal for confessions.

"What did you feel when you had those miscarriages?"

Her smile vanished and she vaguely moved, nervously, on the floor, twisting her hands. She passed her tongue over her dry lips and shrugged. "The first time I didn't know that I was pregnant. I just thought my cycle was messing up a bit but when the pain remained, a violent and sharp one, I understood that something else was happening. I was scared and alone. My husband wasn't in town and I didn't know what to do. I thought I was going to die and they would find my body a couple of weeks later. I would have stopped bleeding. I called an ambulance and I learned everything. I don't remember it very well… I just know that I felt lonely and I had just turned twenty-two. The other miscarriages sounded more evident but they hurt me more and more while time was passing by. I felt guilty as if I had killed them, one after another. I thought I was unable to take care of a child and that was why I couldn't have my family. It's not even about sadness because the pain is too strong. You're just resigned and bitter. Then you start to understand that there's probably something wrong with your body but you can't accept it. So you go on, as if nothing had happened. You have to keep on living anyway. You can't stop and die because you lost a baby. You will never forget about it, whatever happens to you. Miscarriages let a print on your mind, a burning wound on your heart and even though they belong to the past, they still get to determine the person you are. Most of the times it happened during the first semester but… Twenty-five weeks is a lot. I could feel him grow up. I thought it would be okay this time. He was healthy and all but nonetheless he stopped moving. He already looked like a new-born. And from that day I swore to myself that I would never get pregnant again. It was too much; too much to bear."

They stayed silent for a couple of seconds, analyzing her words, her feelings. Against all her expectations she didn't feel like crying but felt relieved; a bit weak but fine. Will finally leaned over, his hand resting on her stomach and whispered against her lips.

"As long as you're with me, you won't feel lonely. I love you too much for that, Karen. I love you too much."

She captured his lips and deepened the kiss; her heart getting lost in his soul.


	29. My name is Karen and I do have sex

The fine lace brushed her skin and settled down on it through an experienced gesture; a sort of automatism imposed by the years. She adjusted it in silence, studying her reflection in the mirror; then pouted. She loved the way it seemed to embrace her flesh, adding a feminine touch to her curves. Growling in annoyance she finally sighed and cleared her voice.

"Could you come in, Grace? I need… I need your opinion."

She bit her lower lip, hating herself for such confession. How could she say that after so many critics about her friend's lack of taste? _I'm becoming hormonal. This isn't good at all._ The red-haired woman poked her head inside before stepping into the fitting room. Karen's eyes locked immediately with hers, a desperate gaze on her face.

"What do you think about this one?"

She looked back at the bra and observed its shapes; the black of the fabric matching her pale complexion. Subconsciously her eyes came to rest on her waist and her stomach. She had started showing a couple of weeks ago. It was all about premises but the firmness of her skin tended to change slowly and adapt itself to the pregnancy. She could barely button her usual clothes and her breasts didn't fit a 36c anymore. Before such realization the dark-haired woman had got resigned and suggested a shopping day to Grace. If things had been different she would have gladly taken Jack away into the fitting rooms but as time was passing by, she was feeling the urge to spend more time with a woman. There was an implicit comprehension over which nobody had a hold; a natural sensation about maternity and she couldn't share it with Jack but Grace. She smiled at her friend, waiting for an answer. The red-haired woman finally shook her head and rolled her eyes.

"Why is life so unfair? Damn look at you, Karen! You're hatefully sexy; and feminine. Could you not give me just half of what you get? Allow me to know about the B cup, please!"  
Karen laughed, patting her friend's hand. "So I take it, don't I? Anyway I need several different ones. And I also need to sit down for a bit." She passed a hand on her lower back, massaging it softly before unhooking her bra and getting back to her usual clothes.

"How are you living with the pregnancy? I mean…" Grace moved on her chair, playing absent-mindedly with her spoon, twisting it over and over in her coffee. "I read an article and some women said that it was hard to focalize on both sides of their status: the feminine one and the maternal one, because of what they were experiencing. How do you manage to keep them both together? Obviously you're doing it or you wouldn't have bought lacy lingerie and I don't even mention the low-cut you're wearing today…"  
Karen frowned, taken aback by such a question that had never really crossed her mind until now. She bit into her strawberry muffin, the smooth cake melting delicately in her mouth. Doing her best to concentrate on Grace's wonders and not on the delicious taste of the pastry she finally shrugged and shook her head.

"I don't know. I'm not sure… I never really thought about it before as a matter of fact. I guess it comes naturally. Hum… I can't ignore the fact I'm carrying a baby and very soon I will be a mother, with all the things it means but still… There's like three parts in me: the baby, the baby and I and just me. Do you see what I mean? It's very important to make a distinction between the three aspects because my life depends on them. It has to be well-balanced. I guess… Well, I guess I just try to share my time between those three parts; listening to my heart. I'm the result, a sort of fusion. I love thinking about that life growing inside of me and this unique relationship the baby and I are developing but I also have needs and desires when it comes to my own body; my own soul. I try to satisfy every single part of my identity. It's all instinctive, Grace. The most important is not to forget any of those different aspects of my person."

The dark-haired woman grabbed her mug and sipped some tea. Dealing with her feelings was already a complicated task so speaking about them was a real challenge and she didn't feel comfortable; her words hadn't sounded clear or convincing. She pushed aside the annoying sensation that one more time, she had been unable to say out loud what her heart kept on whispering and took another muffin.

"That's a very smart analyze, Karen; and very true too I guess. Perhaps I'm wrong because I don't share the same degree of intimacy with you as Will does though… You seem to get through it very well." Grace looked aside and giggled mysteriously.

"Why are you laughing?"

The red-haired woman shook her head as her hand swept away her thought. "It's nothing just… It's a bit weird to think about Will and you being intimate. The strangeness of such situation logically leads us, and by us I mean Jack and I…"

"Jack knows everything about me; from the brand of tampons I use to the way I twist my tongue when I make out. My whole mind and body have no secret for him."

"But still… We have some… Wonders about the two of you. It's more about curiosity."

Karen laughed and leaned over the table, amused by her friend's confession. She locked her hazel eyes with Grace's and smiled; adopting a low tone of voice.

"And what would you like to know my dear Gracie? What is our favorite sexual position? How long does it take me before reaching cloud nine? How long does it take Will? What kind of foreplays turns me on? How many times a week do we go at it? Are we morning or evening people? Do we use some toys? What is Will's biggest fantasy? Do I mind to please him down there?"

Grace choked on her coffee and started coughing uncontrollably; blushing under Karen's total lack of embarrassment. "I'm not sure it's the right place to speak about that, Karen."  
The dark-haired raised her eyebrows and scanned The Gold Room of The New York Palace before turning back to Grace.

"Honey I speak about sex in the middle of Times Square if I feel like to. There's no special place for this kind of conversations."

"Oh Karen, come on!"

"But it's true! I don't mind to tell you that I love when I'm laid on my stomach and Will penetrates me from behind, leaning on my back as his hands run on my whole body. I can orgasm without any manual or lingual help within five minutes when the "serious work" is going on and most of the times Will follows right then; we can even have simultaneous orgasms, it does happen. We've not used handcuffs yet or some sort of gloomy item but licking chocolate on his stomach is a must and during bolder sessions, that can take place at any time of the day and the night, we don't really care about that, going down south one way or another isn't that unusual. I haven't counted anything but still I assume we have sex at least five times a week; or weekends. And do you know my weakest spot? My ear! I can come right away as soon as Will's tongue begins to play with it."  
The dark-haired woman sighed, exhausted by such a long confession that had come out in one go; her voice getting louder and louder as the adrenalin of the moment was reaching its edges. She sipped her tea to calm down softly then smiled at Grace who was livid. With the most common tone of voice, as if nothing had happened, Karen shrugged, raising her eyebrows.

"Do you have another question, sweetie Gracie?"

The red-haired woman swallowed hard before looking down, avoiding as much as she could the thousand faces from the other tables that could have not but turned and stared at Karen when she had almost screamed out her confessions. Grace cleared her voice nervously, shaking her head.

"No, I guess… I guess I had enough for the moment… Thanks."

"Good! I guess I'm going to order another muffin. I'm starving!"


	30. I lose hope, my life falls down

She smiled at Will and looked at him getting up, her head resting on her pillow. Her eyes followed naturally the figure of his body; the lines of his shoulders and how his lower back was tracing a tempting path to his boxers. She yawned before turning on her back as he made his way to the bathroom. She had never been a morning person; the warmness of the blanket was too comfortable to leave it and face the coldness of the air. Besides there was something about staying there, her tiptoes playing with the mattress and her mind, still half-asleep, shining brightly under the fuzzy memories of her night dreams. Hearing the water of the shower run, the dark-haired woman finally rolled on her side and stood up; taking off her nightgown just a second before stepping in the shower and passing her arms around Will's chest, kissing his back softly. He turned around and tightened the embrace, pushing away her wet hair from her face. Tired, Karen simply leaned her head on his shoulder and stayed there without saying a word until she grabbed a bottle of shampoo and began to wash her hair, the soap sliding down over the curves of her stomach and the undeniable evidence of her pregnancy. Her body had changed a lot lately. She had put on weight, her hips matching with her swollen breasts and even though the fifth month was just starting, the fact she was expecting a child couldn't pass unnoticed anymore. Bewitched by the charms of her maternal figure, she even came to play with it, emphasizing through a whole collection of belts and scarves the roundness of her stomach. And while hitting the streets of New York, Karen kept on smiling; proud of her baby.

The cheese would melt in her mouth like the sweetest caress over her tongue. She would close her eyes and moan, delighted, before leaning her head backwards and smiling; satisfied and relieved. It wouldn't be too hot, just the perfection she would have been dying for and sat on the couch, the evening would pass smoothly until Will came back and they ended up the night together; lost in a thousand kisses. She had everything to make her wishes come true: a good movie, an excellent bottle of Merlot better known as grape juice from the deli and within ten minutes the pizza would be delivered. It all sounded perfect though Karen couldn't help but feel weird; uncomfortable. She didn't know what it could be but still it made her a bit sick. The doorbell rang and very soon she found herself eating in silence in front of the screen of the television, unable to enjoy at the most the evening. She didn't even finish the pizza and laid down on the couch, shivering from time to time; wrapped in a woollen shawl. She looked at her watch and sighed. She still had at least three hours before Will come home.

She jumped and gasped, breathing loud. Very slowly she scanned the room plunged in the dark, the trailers of the movie reaching the end on the television. A quick glance at the DVR and the dark-haired woman realized she had fallen asleep inadvertently. Wondering why she had woken up so violently she grabbed her cell phone only to notice a message left by Will. She pouted and looked aside after reading it. He wouldn't come back before midnight. A sudden scream, stifled like a sigh, pierced the silence of the house as the phone fell down on the floor. Karen frowned and bent over instinctively, swallowing hard under the sharp pain running on her lower stomach. For a couple of seconds she looked blankly at her feet, trying to ignore what was happening. Perhaps she was still dreaming and if she waited long enough she would wake up; happy. But she kept on suffering way too much so that the situation didn't belong to reality; her hand holding tight the fabric of the couch. A bitter wave of tears invaded her heart and she began to sob quietly, losing her nerves little by little. She passed a shaky hand on her forehead and leaned her head backwards, closing her eyes.

"Oh God no… Not that. Not now."

She took the phone back, regretting to have refused Grace's invitation to spend the night over at her flat or accompanied Jack at some bar. She felt so lonely all of a sudden; lonely and frightened. She tried to calm down before calling 911. _I don't want to lose another baby… _The paramedics arrived ten minutes later and they headed to the hospital under the dark sky of the night and the pallid lights of the ambulance; the blank sensation that she was losing her life.

Karen only allowed herself to breathe when she got the ultra-sound picture and heard the heartbeats of the baby; reassured by their regular rhythm. She turned her head towards the doctor, waiting for the confirmation that everything was fine and she didn't have to worry. The door flew open and Will came in which made the dark-haired woman burst into tears as he wrapped his arms around her shaking body. She had to evacuate the tension of the past hour and let the dreadful feeling of another eventual miscarriage fade away like in a bad dream.

She got released the next morning with Doctor Flickwood's strict order to stay in bed for at least three weeks. Her routine was too stressful for the baby and her body had reacted violently to claim for a rest before it being too late. They stepped into the house in silence and Karen glanced at the sofa where the nightmare had begun the night before. The pizza was still there and the television hadn't been switched off. Will noticed her intense gaze and took her in his arms, kissing her temple softly.

"Come upstairs, Karen. You need to rest."

She shook her head and didn't move.

"No I don't want to go to bed. I'm going to stay here; on the couch of the living room. I will have a rest here. I… I don't want to be alone, Will."

She made her way to the couch that faced the fireplace and laid down on it slowly as Will started tidying up the room. It didn't take long before her falling asleep, rocked by the serenity of being close to Will. He put down the plates on the counter of the kitchen and smiled while looking at Karen. Kneeling down next to her he grabbed her woollen shawl that flew in the air majestically before resting over her body. His fingers pushed away a strand of hair that was falling on her face and he kissed her forehead.

"I love you, Karen."

He stayed still for a while, observing the delicacy of her features; his fears going away slowly.


	31. The sensation of being alive

"Let the door open, Jackie."

The soft breeze wrapped itself around her neck and she sighed, relieved; leaning her head backwards against the couch. The temperatures had risen all of a sudden a week ago after a long period of storms and coolness; and Karen was realizing little by little how being six-month pregnant in the middle of July could be exhausting. The dark-haired woman rolled on her side and stood up slowly, heading to the kitchen.

"Hey wait… Where are you going to?"

Karen turned around and looked at her friend who was staring at her in disbelief. She pouted and sighed, hands in the air to apologize.

"I'm just thirsty. I want a glass of water with grenadine cordial… I swear that I will go back to the couch right away."

"But I'm here for that, Karen. If you need something, you just have to ask. Damn this is something you used to do pretty well a while ago. Don't tell me you forgot about it."

Karen didn't reply and grabbed a glass trying to ignore the loud silence that had fallen all of a sudden over the house. As the days were passing by she was growing in annoyance and boredom; watching bad television, raising her eyebrows in confusion before the excessive dramas of some ridiculous lifetimes and gorging herself with chocolate. She was putting on weight for staying laid on a couch most of her time; her life was turning into some cheap nightmare. Of course she would have done anything for the baby's health; her child was way too important to ruin everything for just a couple of whims but it wasn't easy at all and her imposed state of rest was weighing more and more on her soul. She envied the other pregnant women who could keep on hitting the streets and evolving into their usual social life without the slightest problem or fear. As much as she loved their house and got visits very often, Karen couldn't help but succumb slowly to a bitter nostalgia. She was missing New York and its singularities. She came back reluctantly to the couch, sipping her cordial and smiling at Jack as he sat down next to her and caressed her hair with care.

"Are you okay, Karen?"

She nodded silently, swallowing back her tears before grabbing a magazine.

"Yes, I'm fine, honey. I'm fine."

She shivered under the unexpected touch over her stomach, a strong and long pressure on her swollen skin but finally relaxed; relieved by the precision and softness of the massage. A few minutes more and Amanda Flickwood gave up Karen's stomach; a serene and bright smile lighting up her delicate features. The dark-haired woman stayed quiet but smiled back weakly, a bit stressed by the scientist's imminent words. A lot of things would depend on them and she hoped it would be positive.

"How are you feeling, Karen?"

"I'm fine, thank you; just a bit bored to be completely honest."

"Any contraction? Any pain?"

Karen shook her head then passed an instinctive hand over her stomach as the baby moved and kicked. She loved the sensation when her skin met her child's one unexpectedly; it meant so many things, so many hopes and joys and the singular realization that she was becoming a mother.

"Okay so let's go back to my office now."

She followed Doctor Flickwood while buttoning her linen dress and sat down on the armchair. Will took her hand, his fingers playing with hers absent-mindedly as Amanda cleared her voice and began to speak.

"I know it's not easy and even less pleasant to stay in bed without moving during a pregnancy but sometimes it's the only way to avoid complications. After three weeks of rest it looks like everything is going perfectly fine for you and the baby, Karen. However it doesn't mean you can take part in some marathon just after stepping out of this building. Your medical situation puts you in a particular category and so you have to be extremely careful. Technically you can give birth to the baby now but still, if a pregnancy is supposed to last nine months and not six and a half, there's a reason to. Your life and your child's life aren't in danger and a miscarriage can be now discarded. You need to rest as much as possible until the labor, Karen. I don't want you to go for a four-hour walk or something, okay? You can go out though, from time to time; as long as you can sit down. Yes you have to be careful but you also have to keep on living so enjoy the summer with your friends and relatives; it's all about slowing down a bit. Don't forget about your couple either; intimacy between both of future parents is very important too so don't hesitate; just adapt yourself to the particular situation."

She found back the addictive brouhaha of restaurant rooms in the evening, smiling brightly at the sweet sensation she was finally living again. Holding Will's hand all along, she enjoyed the presence of her friends as she had never done before. _It's only once we lost something that we realize its importance. _She observed them with all the honesty of her heart and couldn't help but shake her head, thinking about the luck she had to belong to their existences. She would have never guessed that perfection could exist though being with the three of them at this exact moment proved her she had been wrong. It was all about making choices and trusting some mysterious instinct; as she had done with them.

She moaned and deepened the kiss as Will caressed her back, taking off her dress slowly; the fabric slowing over her curves. The stars were shining in the sky and the moonlight passing through the windows of the bedroom; plunged in the dark. Her heart speeded up its pace slowly as their caresses embraced the night through their intertwined bodies and Karen smiled, a wave of relief taking possession of her soul. She kissed his shoulder before closing her eyes, sighing.

"I love my life, Will."

He tightened his grip on her waist, caressing her hips lovingly and the dark-haired woman fell asleep in Will's arms, rocked by the sensation she was fine; perfectly fine.


	32. I have plenty of questions

Once closed her eyes began to weight a lot; too much to open them anymore. She yawned quietly and let the cushions support her head as she was falling asleep little by little; rocked by the smell of the grass coming from the backyard and Will's breathing next to her, a regular one. She had never liked Sundays for their excessive quietness. It looked like the city had plunged into a dry apathy and the turmoil of the past week was wandering now like a ghost all day long. The atmosphere was sad and nostalgic, ideal for introspections and dark memories while all what she wanted was to forget them in order to keep on living. She had changed her mind lately though, trying to put aside the weekend melancholy and focalizing on the fact it was the only moment she could share all her time with Will. The baby kicked and Karen giggled, her eyes still closed. Her fingers slid along her stomach, passing virtually underneath her skin to reach her child as her feet started playing with Will's hips; making some soft steps over his jeans.

"What happened?"

The dark-haired woman smiled while biting her lower lip. She loved that feeling of life invading her own soul.

"The baby is moving a lot. It looks like there's some rock n' roll party inside of me."

She finally opened her eyes, sighing heavily under the unbearable heat of August. Her breath was louder than usually, even if she didn't do a lot; slightly moved. For the lightness of the fabric she was only wearing silk and fine cotton clothes; a lot of dresses and skirts, large pants that gave some bewitching fluidity to her movements. She hadn't cut her hair for quite a while and her dark strands were long now. The months were passing by, taking away with themselves her pregnancy and a new state of mind. Something was happening in Karen's heart; a sort of realization that her desires were getting a new way, a brighter one. She was reading a lot, suggestions picked from parental magazines; specialists' analyzes about mother/children relationships, and maternity. If everything went fine, she still had a couple of months before giving birth though her situation couldn't confirm that the labor would wait until the end of October and her total lack of knowledge about it had hit her mind all of a sudden. She knew absolutely nothing about taking care of a new-born while she was expecting a child. Abdicating under her soft and sweet panic she had rushed to the closest bookstore and bought a dozen of volumes which titles had left her in a state of disbelief; words she had no idea about and that sounded frightening before her eyes.

"I want peanut butter, Will. I want peanut butter with vanilla ice-cream and caramel syrup on it; with pecan nuts. I could add some whipped cream eventually. I need to feel the coldness of it on my tongue, softened by the syrup and how crunchy the nuts are when I bite into them. Honey I guess we have an ice-cream emergency so take my purse and we go to Serendipity's immediately."

"But…"

"No, Will. There's no "but". I want this ice-cream and so I'm going to get it; perhaps even twice. If you worry about my hips well don't, it's okay, honey. Anyway I have to put on weight, it's healthy for the baby. Serendipity's is the perfect place for it and on our way back home we will stop at some Tony's Pizza. I wouldn't say no to a pepperoni one."

"Oh God, Karen… You're scaring me. You sound like Grace suddenly."

The dark-haired woman stood up and headed to the front door, forgetting about her fatigue. She grabbed her purse and looked at Will who was following her quietly.

"I would have never thought that I would say that one day, Will but… I'm a 36d and my breasts are weighing like a ton on me. It's an awful sensation. I want my C cup back. Now this is something that Grace is far from experiencing so don't tell me I'm Adler-izing. I'm afraid I can't believe you on that one. Now do you know where my pack of Big Red is? I'm missing the taste of cinnamon."

"What if something happens? What if I bleed too much or have some complications? What if the baby is in danger and I hear the heartbeats slow down little by little on the monitoring? What if I die? What if I lose my child? What if I wake up and realize that it was all a dream? I will still be married to Stanley, owning a penthouse in The Upper East Side and I will keep on pretending that I'm fine while I can't bear that life. I can feel it move, I saw the ultra-sound pictures but still… What if I'm unable to take care of him, or her? What if…"

She sighed and passed her tongue over her dry lips, shaking in the hot water of the bath. The tears began to well up in her eyes and she put a hand on her mouth to stifle her cries; looking down slowly.

"What if I don't stop thinking about all this?"

Her voice got lost in her cries; facing nothing but the loneliness of the bathroom and the fears of her heart. For a couple of days now a whole series of doubts had invaded her mind; stealing her nights, her smiles. She kept on observing with envy at the others; Grace, Jack, Will. _Why can't I enjoy it with the same naturalness as them?_ She stepped out and wrapped herself in a towel before looking at her reflection in the mirror through the steam reigning in the room. She hated herself for worrying so much but she hated herself even more for not being able to confess it to any of her friends.

She came in her bedroom and sat up on the edge of the bed, frowning under her own thoughts; some hesitation. She closed her eyes, swallowing hard, and promised to herself that she would talk to Will in the evening. Even though he wasn't experiencing the same, at least he would listen and do his best to push away her fears. She grabbed her cell phone and dialed the number with anxiety; then jumped as she heard her answer almost right away. The dark-haired woman moved nervously on the mattress and cleared her voice; her fingers playing with her bath towel.

"Hum… Hi, it's me… It's Karen. Well… Hum… I need to see you in an hour or so. I… Hum…" She sighed and shook her head, abdicating to the urge of her soul. "I have plenty of questions. I need you, mom."


	33. It's a baby world

Her fingers slid along the bookshelves absent-mindedly as her eyes scanned the room slowly; with uncertainty. She had always had difficulties to deal with changes. Any routine was reassuring, even the worst ones and there was something scary in this unknown she was about to plunge into; a whole new life that would settle down other rules, other perspectives. Curiously it hadn't been the ultra-sound pictures or feeling the baby move that had set off the realization but this room with its crib and a pack of diapers waiting sagely on the changing table. She came closer to the chest of drawers and observed in silence the clothes meticulously folded; a whole rainbow of pale colors matching with the painting of the walls, the wooden furniture. Her attention got caught all of a sudden by an old music box resting on a small table. She grabbed it and smiled as the first notes sounded loud in the room. It had been her own one once; some vestige from the past, the only treasure she had kept safely in a cardboard box. She had never forgotten the sweet melody; it didn't take her back to any particular memory but the sensation she was a part of it. Charmed by the lullaby Karen sat down on a rocking chair and closed her eyes, her palms on her stomach.

"I hope you like it, honey. I used to, myself. It accompanied me throughout my childhood and even now while I grew up and got older, I can't help but think it has some bewitching power. It relaxes me and protects my dreams."

Her smile vanished as she bit her lower lip and looked aside, frowning. Her features got wrapped by a veil of seriousness and she sighed bitterly.

"I love you so much. Don't forget it, honey; please, don't forget it. I hope you will forgive me if I hurt you one day. I will never do it on purpose, you're way too important for me. And I swear to God that I will do my best to make you happy."

The dark-haired woman opened her eyes and smiled at Grace as she knocked softly on the door.

"Are you okay, Karen?"

She stayed still for a few seconds before shaking her head in disbelief; locking her eyes with Grace's ones.

"I'm going to have a baby, honey. This is so…"

"I know. It's crazy."

"It's crazy and beautiful. I guess I love it."

Karen giggled and looked down as a sweet warmness came to rest over her soul.

She bit into a chicken wing and made a face before shrugging. The early sun had been promising for a nice walk through the streets but the rain had started pouring all of a sudden, pushing Will and she to have a break at TGI Friday's. She wasn't that hungry though the delicious smell of hamburgers and roasted chicken had been too strong and Karen was now licking a barbecue sauce on her fingers, vaguely listening to Will who was giving her a whole lecture about baby names. Seeing how fragile her pregnancy was, they hadn't talked about it yet, preferring to wait and be sure that everything was alright. She was due in a month now so making plans for their future family could be mentioned without any fear; for their highest relief. It was like reality was imposing itself little by little after so many weeks of avoiding it; having too many hopes that could have fallen apart within a second. It hadn't been easy but now that they were free; they loved speaking about it.

The bedroom was ready, they had bought clothes and all the indispensable items they would need since the very beginning. The house was getting filled little by little by teddy bears and a ton of parental magazines; baby bottles and body lotions which smell reminded of a baby's skin. She sipped her diet coke and grabbed the book that Will was holding.

"There are way too many names. How about we let the child decide?"

"A new-born can't talk, Karen. What do you suggest? That we show him or her the book and as soon as the baby starts crying we look at the page we stopped at?"

"We still can wait until the baby begins to talk. In the meantime we just… We just don't call our child. Okay now we're done with it. Let's talk about…"

"Karen…"

The dark-haired woman rolled her eyes and took her revenge while biting into another chicken wing, caressing playfully some French fries. She cleared her voice and looked up at nothing in particular; some place between the ceiling and the customers' heads.

"I like Madeline. It's soft and calm." Seeing how Will was frowning she scoffed and settled further on her chair. "What? Don't you like it?"

"Well as a matter of fact I kind of like it."

Karen's hazel eyes got locked with Will's ones, staring at him in disbelief. They had been debating over the subject for almost an hour without being able to come to some agreement in spite of the five-hundred-page book supposed to contain all the names ever given.

"Are you kidding me? You really like it? Oh God that's an historic moment. We might have found a name. Write it down immediately just as a proof we can get it."  
Will laughed and intertwined his fingers with hers.

"And if it's a boy?"

The dark-haired woman stayed silent and still, lost in her thoughts while scrutinizing Will's features. Her heart was beating fast and a wave of frustration was slowly making its way from her heart to her lips, spreading a burning feeling into her veins. She was seriously getting pissed off; her furtive joy of having resolved the dilemma fading away as she had realized that she might be expecting a boy and she was back at the beginning, about to do it all over again. She finally clasped her tongue and pouted.

"Well I guess I'm going to order some more chicken wings. It looks like we're far from leaving."


	34. Some will leave, others will come

The sound pierced the air in a long and painful cry, breaking the silence of the night; the peace of some dreams. We all dread these kinds of moments because we know them too well, their tragic meanings. Even before the voice answered, the evidence is there, loud. Something happened and it already changed everything. She frowned and turned on her side, waking up slowly under the phone ringing. The room was still plunged in the dark and the weight of her tiredness shouted out loud that she needed more sleep. She nonetheless answered in a low voice, restraining a yawn. As a matter of fact she didn't notice anything and simply obeyed in silence, giving the phone to Will. It hit her mind a couple of seconds later; the time, the sobs. She gasped and stared at Will, sitting up in bed, waiting for an explanation to his mother's sudden call in the middle of the night. It set off the whole machine of her body from her heart to the baby who began to move and kick. None of them said a word when Will finally hung up. They just stayed there, perfectly still; Karen staring at Will's features while he was himself looking blankly in front of him. Her shaking hand made its way very slowly to his cheek and as she caressed it Will rushed into her arms unexpectedly. She hugged him tight; holding his head, rubbing his back and kissing his hair.

"I'm here, Will. I'm here, honey."

The living room was in turmoil; a stifled one though; black figures wandering in silence from one group to another one, a plate in hand. The atmosphere was awkward as if a too high concentration of love and tenderness was strangulating every single present soul. Sat on the couch her gaze crossed Grace's and both women smiled at each other shyly; unsure of the words they were supposed to use. Most of the people there were perfect strangers to them and they couldn't help but feel in the way; unable to bring the necessary comfort they were looking for. Marilyn stepped out of the kitchen sipping a martini and headed straight to their little group. Karen looked aside, avoiding her mother-in-law's fake smile. She was carrying exactly the same one as she herself used to plant on her face way back then; when she was still married to Stanley and didn't stop pretending that everything was okay.

"Will, honey… Could you help me in the kitchen, please? I can't reach up to grab a bottle of vodka that is resting on the upper shelf."

Will nodded and stood up before following her mother, leaving Karen, Grace and Jack alone on the couch. The dark-haired woman made a face and massaged her stomach; painful under the weight of the baby. She was due in a week now; seven days of wait and hopes, of fears and doubts. Everything was ready and she never went out without checking before that her maternity bag was next to the door; just in case she felt the first contractions and she had to rush to the hospital without losing time. A couple of minutes passed by through a casual and pointless conversation with her friends before her standing up and heading to the kitchen; an empty glass in her hands. She smiled politely at the guests, some supposed relatives if we considered her wedding band but she couldn't even put a name on their faces; she had never met Will's family before . She stepped into the room and looked at Marilyn in silence; apologizing and giving all her sympathy through the sincerity of her gaze to this woman with whom she might have more in common than what she had thought. The blonde thanked her son and left the kitchen with the vodka in hand. For a couple of seconds Karen stayed still and observed Will's back dreamingly. She sighed and passed her arms around his waist from behind, kissing his shoulder before resting her head over it. Will jumped, surprised and unaware of the fact that she had come in there. He leaned his head backwards and closed his eyes, sighing; his hands caressing Karen's forearms slowly.

"How is she going to cope without him? How am I going to cope? We should have spent more time together and so I wouldn't regret it so much today."

"You could have stayed twenty-four hours a day with him since your birth that it wouldn't change anything, honey. It's not a matter of time but feelings and you loved your dad; will always do. May he rest in peace…" She passed her fingers through his hair and kissed his head softly. "I love you, Will."

The liquid ran against her inner thighs, caressing her whole legs softly with a frightening warmness. She frowned and looked down; leaning against the wall and realizing that blood was reaching her feet. She swallowed hard, panicked. _Oh God what is that?_

"Will!"

She waited for a couple of seconds, breathing loudly under her sudden panic but nobody came to her and she started sobbing.

"Fucking hell fire Will, get over here!"

"What's happening, Karen?"

Will finally poked his head in the bathroom, looking in confusion at Karen. The dark-haired woman shook her head, sweeping away some tears with the back of her hand.

"I don't know… I'm bleeding… And… It's not supposed to… Help me, Will."

He grabbed her body just in time as a wave of heat was invading her heart and strangulating her lungs; then it turned all dark.

She opened her eyes to face a white surface, realizing slowly that it was a ceiling. A kiss came to rest on her forehead and she frowned, looking on her side. Will was there, smiling brightly. He caressed her hair and came closer to the bed where she was laid.

"It's nice to see you back with us, sweetie."

"But what… What happened?"

The dark-haired woman suddenly noticed the monitoring and an IV connecting her veins to another machine.

"You have a detachment of the placenta. It can happen during the first semester of the pregnancy or at the end, like you." Seeing a wave of panic invading Karen's features Will laughed and leaned over to kiss her lips softly. "It's okay, don't be worried. It just means that the labor is about to start."

"Oh my God."

Karen turned her head and looked by the window at the bricks of another building.

"But I'm not ready for that, Will."

"Of course you are, Karen. You've always been ready for a baby."


	35. A sign of life

She took a deep breath and clenched her teeth, swallowing hard under an indescribable pain running from her lower back to her nape. A stifled moan managed to escape from her throat as she leaned back against the pillow; breathless. She had forgotten for a long while yet the regular sound of the monitoring and the steps walking in the hall on the other side of the door. She was staring blankly at the wall in front of her, concentrated on the waves of contraction that came back to stir up her pain every five minutes. The anesthesioliogist arrived and Karen's face lit up through a bright smile of relief. She had never liked hospitals and even less injections though she saw the epidural as a supreme moment of release. Her smile faded away within a second as the dark-haired woman noticed the size of the syringe and she slowly shook her head; her courage vanishing in a shameful silence. The scientist tended her the official papers, waiting for her agreement before injecting the product in her body. Her heart was beating loud in her chest, sweat running on her forehead; the drops sliding along her nape. Her grip was moist on the pencil, too smooth. She bit her lower lip and looked up, giving back the papers without signing them.

"I don't want it."

Will looked at her in disbelief while the specialist smiled, raising his eyebrows.

"Karen, have you lost your mind? You won't be able to get it later. It's now or never."

The dark-haired woman pouted, nodding to Will.

"Have I lost my mind? Are you kidding me? Have you seen the size of this syringe? And I'm not even wearing glasses! I don't want it; it's okay. This is a natural pain and I'm going to bear it in silence. Well… As much as I can." She looked at the scientist and smiled shyly. "I'm sorry. I'm sure you have better things to do with your time than to stay silent before women's whims like mine but… This thing is not for me." She pointed out at the syringe the man was holding.

The door got closed as the same time her hopes for a painless labor disappeared. She looked down; an heavy silence spreading its strength over the room but Will never said a word, never protested. His fingers just came to caress her palm as he kissed her temple and murmured that he was proud of her choices. From then on Karen adopted a new behavior; an unexpected determination to experience the childbirth with a disconcerting but respectable maturity. She followed Amanda Flickwood's instructions carefully; trying to concentrate her whole energy onto her breathing. Time seemed to be suspended, as if the world had stopped turning and she observed it passively; feeling the sweat on her skin but completely unaware of the rest. Her mind had left her body and was now contemplating the scene with curiosity. Her heart kept on beating, feeding her emotions; the most secret and powerful ones. She thought about Shelter Island and the taste of Will's lips in her mouth; the sweetness of his smiles and the obvious realization that without him she could have died. She remembered the boat and their sunny mornings when their soft caresses got mixed with the warmness of the bed; some words whispered against her lips. She thought she had always loved him since the very first day he came in the office but the dreadful consequences to such feelings had blinded her too much; until they finally kissed.

She gasped and stopped, coming back to reality all of a sudden as she heard some cries piercing the silence of her daydreams. Then everything speeded up; her emotions, a baby resting on her chest, a smile at Will and the tears. Something had touched her; a sweet shade of humanity.

_Who are you? I have an odd sensation that pushes me to think that I always lived next to you; a fuzzy reminiscence of a past we might have shared, a long and intimate time. There's a fusion between your skin and mine, an implicit comprehension between our souls. You begin to cry and my heart breaks into pieces though a simple touch is enough to ease your pain; my finger around yours. I feel the tears well up in my eyes and make my throat sore in a beautiful motion whenever I look at you and brush your arms, your feet. I can barely describe those feelings. I'm afraid I don't own the right words to highlight them enough. It all sounds so obvious; the way I need to kiss you and hug you tight to fall asleep, my head so close to yours, my hand on your stomach. I can feel your heart beating under my palm. It goes so fast; a perfect synchronization with the rhythm of life. You started crying and everything got bright; I guess I found who I was the day I gave life to your smiles._

She sat up slowly on the bed, smiling shyly at Grace and Jack as her friends came in; quiet and impressed. The baby moved in Will's arms, a few inches away from her. She frowned and cleared her voice before looking up.

"I would like to introduce you someone. During nine months we all speculated about the moment we would hold this baby in our arms and… Well… Here we are. You have no idea how touched and moved I am."

Karen giggled nervously, swallowing back the tears that were only asking to go out before running on her cheeks. Something was about to change for the four of them; a page was going to be turned but nonetheless they would remain together since the very beginning to the end. It wasn't a traditional scheme but she didn't care at all. Those people were her real family; the ones who had looked after her heart during so many years that she owed them her life, now. She took the baby in her arms and locked her fingers with the small left hand, smiling at her child.

"She could have chosen any day of the year though she settled down her decision on this one. Thirty-three years ago someone I love more than anything closed her eyes and ceased to breathe; on this exact same day. Coincidence or fate, I like the sound of it. Our child was born the day my grandma died. I think it's a sign. This is our daughter. Her name is Anna. Yes, like my Anna."


	36. Epilogue

The wind would pass through the window, caressing the curtains slowly; making them fly majestically in the air before coming to rest on the oak table of the suite, embracing a whole series of photographs. As if an invisible audience was there to witness the scene of the silent room, the pile fell on the floor over the expensive carpets of the palace, revealing stolen moments from their lives.

"Don't move and smile…" Karen laughed, leaning her head backwards as she took the picture with the digital camera. Will's fingers slid along her waist and she closed her eyes for a couple of seconds; shivering under the touch. She turned her head and looked at him, smiling sweetly. "I love you, Will."

"What are you doing?" His lips kissed her swollen stomach as he pushed away the blanket of the bed and locked his eyes with Karen's, smiling half-asleep in their morning sweetness. The rain was pouring down, giving a pale gray light to the sky; a tender shade to their gazes. She caressed his cheek and the baby kicked. Will took a picture of Karen's maternal curves.

"I guess I love you, Karen." He turned and began to leave the place but she grabbed his arm and made him look at her. Her hazel eyes were glimmering in the darkness of the manse. She shook her head before capturing his lips in an emotional kiss. The flash sounded loud in their minds. The photo got engraved in their hearts.

She passed her arms around his neck and plunged her eyes in his with an implicit boldness; a delicate confession of love and the power of her emotions. She could feel his breath on her mouth; the warmness of his soul rocking hers bewitchingly. She leaned over and closed her eyes, her white dress getting lost in his arms. And Jack took the picture of the newly-weds.

The woman was sat on a sofa, looking dreamingly through the window. The grace of her features seemed to own the spell to fly over time and reach eternity; among the beauty and purity of some heart. He frowned but stayed still, observing the delicacy of her face, the depth of her gaze. His heart started beating louder in his chest as he realized that she looked like Karen. The millionaire smiled shyly. "This is my grandmother, Anna."

"Here is the heart. It's still very small but stronger than all the rest. The bump there is the head and the white line the spine. The heartbeats are regular and the fetus is in the average. Everything is fine, Karen. You can relax now and think about the fact that very soon you will hold your baby in your arms." She had stayed still and quiet; observing, fascinated, at the screen of the first ultra-sound picture.

"Karen?" She turned slowly and rolled her eyes; holding a baby in her arms. A smile lit up her features, the dark color of her velvet dress matching to perfection with the red of her lips. The flames were dancing in the fireplace behind her, warming up her back softly. She leaned over and brushed her daughter's ear slowly. "Look at Grace, Anna." The dark-haired woman laughed silently as Will made his way on her side, embracing her waist lovingly. He kissed her temple and smiled at the camera. "Merry Christmas, Karen." She caressed the baby's hair and waited for the flash. "Merry Christmas, Will; Anna."

The door got opened and she faced the park of Shelter Island through the window. Frowning she noticed the photographs on the floor and squatted down to pick them up quickly before one missing. She turned around as she heard stifled steps behind, followed by some giggles. Will came in, holding their four-month daughter in his arms. She didn't take her digital camera but simply looked at them before getting closer and wrapping her arms around his waist. _Whatever happened on the 14th of February, I know it changed everything. _She smiled, caressing Anna's back tenderly. "Happy anniversary, Will."


End file.
